Behind Closed Doors ✔️

1

I think I might be gay. It's something that has been dawning on me for quite a while, and I haven't let myself think about it until now. I've had female partners, but I never felt... anything. I never truly wanted them like I should have. 

I stare at the magazine in my hand, where a woman is dressed in a bikini that barely covers the most intimate parts about her, and on the next page, a buff, tanned, naked man with boxers that show the ridges and shape of his body like no other. I don't even bother looking at the woman. I feel nothing towards her. 

"Theo!" Someone yells from outside of my closed bedroom door, and I slam the magazine to a close, shoving it under my pillow before grabbing my phone and mindlessly scrolling through it. 

"Yeah?" I cleared my throat, and the door opened, revealing my older brother. "Hey, Thomas." I smile, sitting up on my bed. 

"Are you going to college today? I'll drop you off before going to Uni." Tom says, his hands on his hips, and I sigh before jumping off of my bed and itching my stomach. I grab one of the hand-me-down hoodies that I got from Thomas before slipping it over my head. Despite its raggedness and dirt, it was better than wasting money on something new when our parents couldn't afford it. 

"Sure." I mumble, rubbing my eyes and quickly using the bathroom before grabbing a piece of toast, kissing my mother goodbye, wrapping myself in a coat and scarf, and leaving with Thomas. Me and my family live in a pretty rough neighbourhood. It's not rare to see a few people being beat up or seeing someone get stabbed. I've yet to see someone killed, but I'm sure I will in the next few years of my life. 

"Are you working tonight?" Tom asked me, unlocking his car as I jumped into the passenger seat, not bothering to fasten my seatbelt. 

"I am. Andreas needs me to take an extra shift because his wife is in labour." I nodded my head, and Thomas laughed from beside me before driving off. "Is a pregnant woman making you laugh?" 

"No, you are." He shook his head, and I rolled my eyes, pushing my dirty blonde hair onto my forehead. The curls covered my forehead and my ears and I knew I needed to have a haircut, but that consists of money I don't have. I work a minimum wage job at a corner store that gets robbed most nights. It's not the best, but I get by. Just about. 

I had an older sister who was the breadwinner along with my parents, but she got married and moved to Wales. We haven't heard from her since. 

By the time I got to college, Fernanda was already there, and I smiled at her as she linked her arm through mine. "Good morning." She smiles, and I glance at her. Fernanda is a very beautiful girl. She has big eyes and plump lips and a natural blush on her cheeks. Her hair is long, thick, and black, and flows down her back in waves. Is it crazy that I'm not attracted to her? 

Almost every guy I know in college is attracted to Fernanda. Hell, even Thomas has admitted to it. All, except me. It can't be a coincidence, right? "Good morning, Fer." I smile, and she looks up at me, wiggling her eyebrows. 

"I hooked up with this guy last night. Big brother barged in and beat the shit out of him for no apparent reason." She sighed, and I pressed my lips together at the mention of Fernanda's older brother. We're not exactly fond of each other. 

"I feel bad for you, having to carry that shithead around with you all the time." I tell her, and she shrugs her shoulders, humming in agreement. 

"Well, he refuses to get a job." She says, and we walk into the doors of college together. "He's nineteen and relies on daddy's extremely limited money to get by." She rolled her eyes, and I chuckled before we parted ways, each going to our respective classes. 

As I walk through the hallways, I make a mental note of how many guys I find attractive and how many girls I find attractive, and the difference is quite huge. I sighed, running my hands through my hair. 

Maybe it's just a midlife crisis. A phase that I'll soon grow out of after experimenting a little. Maybe it's an era that I'm yet to find cringe. Or... maybe I am gay. Maybe I like men and have no attraction towards women. Maybe I need to start embracing how I truly am and not hide myself.