Behind Closed Doors ✔️

10

“I need to tell you something, Tom.” I mumble, rubbing my eyes as I sit up in bed, resting my back on the wall behind me. Thomas sticks his head down from where he was on his own bed, doing an assignment for university. 

“Go ahead.” He grins, before sitting back up and pulling his loaned laptop onto his lap. I hear him type a few things before he pauses. “For fuck’s sake, Theo, tell me before I end up falling asleep.” He groans, and I sighed, rubbing my hands all over my face. 

“I think…” I sigh, squeezing my eyes shut. “I think I’m gay.” I gulp, and the whole room is silent. I don’t think either of us are breathing. Then, I watch as Tom slowly jumps off of his bunk bed, staring at me. His hands are on his hips and I raise my eyebrow at him. “What?” 

“You’re what?” He asked, and I blink at him. 

“Gay.” I repeat, and he scoffs, shaking his head. 

“No, you’re not. I’ve- I’ve seen you with so many girls, Theo-” He shook his head. 

“I only figured it out a few weeks ago.” I tell him, slowly slipping out of bed and standing opposite him. “I told you because… well, you’re my brother, and I trust you.” I shrugged my shoulders, and Thomas rubs his palm over his mouth, staring at me like I’d grown an extra head. 

“You… you’re not gay, Theo.” He snaps. “Do you know what will happen if people find out what you just told me?” He asked, a sudden fear in his voice as he steps closer to me. “This community, this neighbourhood… they will beat you to a pulp if they know. You can’t… you can’t act on it. They will kill you.” 

“For what? For being who I am?” I asked, and Thomas scoffed once more, perching on the end of my bed. I stretch my legs out. 

“This country is very homophobic, Theo. Not the government, but the people. The people around us- this fucking council estate. We might all seem like one big happy family, but as soon as one person steps out of line, you disrupt everything.” He snaps. “Who else have you told?” He questioned, and I gulped, suddenly wary about everything because of what Thomas had just told me. Fearing for my life because I want to love whoever the fuck I want. Because I don’t fit into the norm of heterosexuality. Because I didn’t want a woman by my side for the rest of my life. I wanted a man. And fuck, if it didn’t hurt like a son of a bitch. 

“Just… just Fernanda.” I gulped, and Tom’s mouth opened in shock.

“Barbosa? You told a fucking Barbosa?” He spits angrily, and I slowly bring my knees up to my chest, hugging my legs. “For fucks sake, Theo, her dad and brothers are homophobic as shit.” He adds, and my eyes waver a little. The feeling in the pit of my stomach grew before it fizzled out. “Do you know what will happen if she says something?” 

“She won’t.” 

“How do you know?” 

“Because she’s my fucking friend, that’s why.” I snap, slipping out of bed. It’s too late into the night to listen to Thomas’s bullshit, so I slip on a pair of shorts over my boxers and leave my room, quietly walking down the stairs. When I hear the wood of our bunk bed creak, I know he didn’t follow me. 

I drag myself into the kitchen, pouring myself a glass of water before downing it. The soothing coldness trickled down my throat and settled into my empty stomach, and I closed my eyes, lifting my head up to the ceiling. 

For the longest time, whenever I questioned my sexuality, I forced myself to shake it off and told myself it was just a phase. I told myself I’d grow out of it, but that’s not working. I thought if I forced connections, then at least one of them could have become more. I couldn’t have been more wrong. 

It hurt me too much- it continues to hurt me that I can’t share that part of myself with the world. That I couldn’t shout it from the rooftops that I’m gay and I’m fucking proud. I like men and I don’t shy away from that. From my truth. My identity. Myself. I don’t want to pretend and be someone I’m not. I don’t want to hide that part of me. It is me.