Ineffable - S.REID

43

・゜゜・．THREE DAYS LATER .・゜゜・

Tw; miscarriage + descriptions 

As they both sat in the doctor's office, surrounded by posters about pregnancy and childbirth, Spencer and Clara naturally found themselves on the topic of names. It was a rather important thing to choose after all. "Every name I suggest you connect to a case so you pick," she paused her whisper. "Feels like there are no names left."

"If it's a girl, can the middle name be Diana, after my mother?"

"I would love that," Clara smiled softly, having planned to surprise him with that from the very beginning. She did feel slightly saddened that her suppose would be ruined but the most important thing to her was seeing the smile that he had in that moment, it wiped away any disappointment instantly. The conversation stopped as they were called into the office by a midwife.

Clara walked into that doctor's office and had to do something that she really hadn't expected. To hear absolutely nothing through the ultrasound. No heartbeat. She clutched his hand desperately, as he did hers, throughout all the questions and the conversation that followed. She would miscarry, according to the doctor, whom she could barely hear through the ringing in her ears. She had been so happy, they had been overjoyed over something that no longer existed. Something that would painfully expel itself from her body and she couldn't stop it. The Doctor assured her that it was a natural process but it felt anything but. She expected labour, five hours of gruelling pain and at the end of it a baby. Not hours of pain, cramps unlike any other she'd had before and at the end of it a terrible emptiness, not just within her womb but her soul too.

They had both cried that night, shutting the curtains to the world, in mourning over something that they were never really meant to have. But the grief was unimaginable. And the waiting was the worst part.

-

Clara had started to bleed the morning after the doctors appointment but it hadn't been bad. It was just small cramps and slight back pain with light bleeding, like the first day of a period. This lasted for a few days until she awoke in the middle of the night slick with sweat. She ran to the bathroom and made the best attempt to clean herself up, wanting so desperately to return to the comfort of their bed instead of the cold of their bathroom. But every time she attempted to stand, a wave of crashing pain would burst through her body and she would be forced to stay in place. She would have bled through the heavy pads in under an hour anyway, so there wasn't much point in moving. She wished she had brought her blanket as tears slipped down her face, the sound of her muffled sobs echoing against the bathroom tile.

She didn't want to wake him, she didn't want him to see all this if he didn't have to. There was a part of her that believed he wouldn't love her the same after all of this, she knew it was ridiculous deep down and that they were in it together until the end but fear manifests itself in weird ways. And she was so scared. Scared of the pain, the blood loss, the spitting in her head. She was so scared she couldn't see straight.

The pain worsened over the hour, to the point where she could hide her cries anymore. She thanked her past self for shutting the door after a particularly loud sob left her system. When the next one hit and her entire body felt the pain at every nerve, she couldn't handle it alone anymore. Her mind snapped out of the fear. "Spencer!" she yelled, voice cracked and fueled with such pain that he was shaken awake the instant it reached his ears.

He woke up how he had fallen asleep, facing the place in which her head always lay. Instead of her face, his eyes drifted down to the bloodstained sheets, lit by the open door and the hallway light. He climbed out of the bed and ran to where her sobs came from, opening the door to the bathroom carefully despite the urgency that rose with him. "I'm sorry I wasn't going to wake you up to see this, it just hurts so much and I- I need you," she whispered between bouts of pain, trying her best to breathe through it all as he crouched beside her and took her hand tightly.