Ineffable - S.REID

43

・゜゜・．THREE DAYS LATER .・゜゜・

Tw; miscarriage

As they both sat in the doctor's office, surrounded by posters about pregnancy and childbirth, Spencer and Clara naturally found themselves on the topic of names. It was a rather important thing to choose after all. "Every name I suggest you connect to a case so you pick," she paused her whisper. "Feels like there are no names left."

"If it's a girl, can the middle name be Diana, after my mother?"

"I would love that," Clara smiled softly, having planned to surprise him with that from the very beginning. She did feel slightly saddened that her suppose would be ruined but the most important thing to her was seeing the smile that he had in that moment, it wiped away any disappointment instantly. The conversation stopped as they were called into the office by a midwife.

Clara walked into that doctor's office and had to do something that she really hadn't expected. To hear absolutely nothing through the ultrasound. No heartbeat. She clutched his hand desperately, as he did hers, throughout all the questions and the conversation that followed. She would miscarry, according to the doctor, whom she could barely hear through the ringing in her ears. She had been so happy, they had been overjoyed over something that no longer existed. Something that would painfully expel itself from her body and she couldn't stop it. The Doctor assured her that it was a natural process but it felt anything but. She expected labour, five hours of gruelling pain and at the end of it a baby. Not hours of pain, cramps unlike any other she'd had before and at the end of it a terrible emptiness, not just within her womb but her soul too.

They had both cried that night, shutting the curtains to the world, in mourning over something that they were never really meant to have. But the grief was unimaginable. And the waiting was the worst part.

-

Days later, after a midwife had called to check that everything was over and there weren't any complications, Spencer stood at the foot of their bed. Clara hadn't said a word to him since it had all happened, unable to even hum a word. She didn't look like herself either, it was as if her soul had withered and disappeared behind her eyes. The midwife had assured him that it was normal after going through the traumatic events but he couldn't help but worry, the tear stains on her face just made everything worse. "Do you want anything?" he asked softly, wanting so desperately for her to ask for water or food. Despite the fact that he felt broken internally, he had to be there for her right now. He would deal with his head later, it was more important for her to be comforted. As she shook her head no, the most she was able to communicate, he stuffed his hands into his pockets. "Ara please just say something... communicate..."

"Lay with me, Spence?" her voice came soft, distant. He hardly hesitated to climb into bed next to her, enveloped in the warmth that radiated from her body despite how cold she felt inside. She moved to cuddle up to him, head tucked against his chest whilst his arm draped down her back and drew comforting circles.

"I- I'm sorry," she whispered into the darkness of the room, finding it easier to say it without looking at him and seeing the look in his eyes. .

He kissed the top of her head slowly, whispering back, "It's not your fault."

She sniffled, "It feels like it's my fault."

"I know it does but I promise you it's not. These horrible things happen."

Silence followed as the two of them cried once more, she couldn't see his tears but he could feel hers through his shirt. Despite the distance between them, they both knew they were in it together and that helped severely. She looked up at him after a while and instantly noticed the lines on his face. "Can you read me poetry?" she asked softly, hoping listening to him talk would be the exact comfort that she needed to finally fall asleep after days of being awake.

He frowned subtly, "I don't have any books."

"Come on Spence, we both know you don't need them," she smiled softly, a glint of herself returning to her eyes. His comment had the exact effect he had wanted it to, just to make her smile was enough. So he began to read her poetry through the many books within his mind. She listened to him, his heartbeat and the rain against the windows before she eventually and finally fell into a dreamless sleep.

-

Clara's eyes fluttered open and instantly squinted at the light that was suddenly filling every corner of the room. It took her a second to register the face in front of her, Penelope Garcia still in pyjamas. "Hi lovely," she greeted softly, voice filled with sadness. She was glad she knew, Clara had been so unsure of how she would tell anyone let alone her best friend. She just couldn't find the words.

"Where's Spence?" she asked as she shuffled herself into a sitting position, head aching with dehydration and hours of crying.

"Gone to phone his mother. She's refusing meds again. He didn't want you to be alone so he called me and I rushed right over, hence the clothes," she rambled in the way that was so uniquely her and perfect. She felt better this morning, less like the world was ending. The sleep probably helped. But even then, she felt her eyes fill with tears and her attempt to sniffle them away just didn't work. "Oh pumpkin," she whispered before climbing into bed with her. Garcia hugged Clara close as she got the last of the sobs out, fully and completely cleansing her soul of all that needed to get out before she could even think about healing herself. It would be a long process, she knew that. It would take time, for the both of them. But she had a great support system and dozens of people who cared to come over at the drop of a hat just to sit with her so she wasn't alone.. Pain was temporary, soon she'd learn to live with it. And although that broke her heart to realise, it was necessary. If any death knocked a person down for years on end, they would never escape the cycle. Death was a part of life, she had dealt with it on multiple occasions within her life and knew how to heal with it. Of course this was different, she was mourning a possible child. A life that had come from love, one that had been so desperately wanted.

But it would be okay, she knew that now.