Mold. Stacks of Home Depot boxes. Books on algebra and Spanish fiction. Father's ashes. Oversized army coats. Back alleys and muddy ground. Honda Civics parked like loose socks in the corners of drawers. City garbage cans. Bedroom lights. Blank expressions. Wallace & Gromit lips. Your hard time maintaining eye contact with anyone. Talking about Kant's take on mathematics. Winter looming. Drinking beer out of a severed foot prop. "Do you believe in God?" Awkwardness. The smartest guy in the room. RXK Nephew. Becoming oneself. Animal Collective. Waterloo, Toronto, Montreal, Vancouver, Western Canada. Big Baptist churches built within the last ten years, with very nice and well-lit libraries and suburban furnishes that make it feel homely and unimposing, forgetting that it doesn't look all that good. Indian restaurants. Wondering if the lone woman working at the post office thinks you're attractive. Catching yourself audibly scoffing at any sign that the two of them are moving towards being a couple. Being in yourself. McGill University. The End of The World. Doing good work. Anxiety. Having fun. Alcohol. Embarrassment. Pauline Oliveros. Getting better. The concept that the crucifixion led to the death of God as He suffers with Jesus or something. Sam Hyde. The blockade of public housing against calm blue skies, kissed by the light of late evening. Walking to Jack's house from the post office. Deciding against using an e-scooter as a dignified vow of poverty. Hearing Stereolab play in a Gucci commercial. Blurting out "SKIBIDI TOLIET" every couple of seconds. Breaking Sober September. Thinking a lot about the West, of horses, frugality, dark winters, still mountains, buffalo, and rivers. Thinking about when this city is going to become boring. Feeling love. Feeling scared when you finally admit very plainly to your friends that you don't believe in God. Hating Whyte Ave. Sleep deprivation. Laying in bed, upset you're alone, bothered by your even greater fear of fixing that. Thinking about asceticism. Thinking about monks and priests and the kid from your English lecture who speaks very plainly about having ADHD and being Catholic. Being interested in Schopenhauer and Nietzsche. Wondering a lot about making money. The bus. The LRT. The bus. Sweating through every shirt. Loving. Wondering. The prairies. Golden sunlight. Staying after class. Love as a jungle. Language as a jungle. The market as a jungle. The Internet. Jerking off. Beer. Asia. Sounds of birds and construction site humming. Looking cool. Laughing very loudly. Wondering. Trying to make sure everyone feels included to absolutely no avail. Reading. Thinking. Where am I going? Your old paper is now technically assigned reading back home, your old prof DMs you. This makes you want to cry, but it also gets you hyped up. The future is possible. My heart doesn't work. Stay up all night. His girlfriend is working the night shift. Someone's alone in the city tonight. You gotta do what's right. The future.
