I knew this girl in my last year of high school. You know of her: J----. I told you about her back when we first started hanging out. Our talking stage was all there was, and it totaled maybe like 12 man-hours, spread out from November 2019 to early July the next year. She was nervous and sweet. Sincere like a dream job interview. She would text me about bands she liked and Danny Lyon over DMs, and I would stupidly never know what to say. She made me a playlist of all her favourite Belle & Sebastian songs for me, which I slammed on the foam mattress on the floor of the basement of Jake's parents' house. I was stoned in that roller-coaster way that only teenagers can truly be. As far as I can remember, that was the last time I felt that way. The first song on that platlist was "The Fox in The Snow".
3 years later, she has a husband and kids now, both as of this year. I don't know anyone her and I used to know besides Damek and Jake. On December 21st every year, I think about being in her basement with her best friend Ch--, Jake, and K--ran when we did Secret Santa, with Sylvan snow and darkness thick and taunting out of her windows. When Tygan's family friend died of a cardiac arrest at age 13, and my favourite high school teacher left for Australia, and my teenage sadness reached such a pitch that I couldn't even feel out to deal with by boroughing in my bed. I drove a lot in those days. I drove around a lot in those days. The nights lasted longer then.
I live in Edmonton now, and I feel a thousand miles away from those days, but also, as if I've just woken up from them. I have a girlfriend, and I scramble to get myself together in university. My teenage sadness has held out, but I'm older now. Time is real. My roommate and one of my most well-documented good buddies and I have been talking about loving If You're Still Feeling Sinister. He tells me about going to his high school listening to it, and I ask him if he ever felt sensitive doing that, as I'm drunk and feeling dick-ish. He demands we put on "Like Dylan in the Movies". He belts out every word, just like he does with just about every song. Out our big living room window, Edmonton snow and darkness taunt us a bit more brazenly than our hometown did. I think about all the people I knew then and know now.
