When Ewn officially broke up with Shyna, I texted Natalie a few hours into it that "Something shifted" and that "Phase 2 has begun." Apparently - and I don't know why I'm surprised by this - she immediately figured out this was referring to Ewn and Shyna. I was, mostly. Obviously. But there's more to it, I think. I was talking about all of us. As these summer days slip past in their shirt-soaking sweat and microwave heat, I actually feel like something has changed. Things are different now. I know exactly why. I just don't know how.
Last night, I made the decision that I'm sticking with my B.Ed degree. I kind of made that decision in a quiet, absentminded relief early in February, but I've had to remake the decision in my head a few times before finally making it aloud in a park with Ewn and Dmek, where I talked about having already made it months ago with absolute confidence. It wasn't like I was lying to them. I just didn't realize I had already made up my mind.
I know it seems stupidly late in the game to be finally sure of a decision I absentmindedly made 3 years ago (fuck me!), but better late than never. I don't know. The inevitably of graduating and death has me scared fucking stiff, man. It's all so real. What the fuck am I doing? That question makes my stomach drop like being caught in a lie. What the fuck am I doing? That's not just a professional question. Like I addressed sloppily in the last entry, that's some matters-of-the-soul shit. What the fuck am I doing? What is this all for?
There's this song that comes on at work, "Pinch Me" by the Barenaked Ladies, that has the line "Just to try to figure out what all this is for." Whenever I heard it muffled by all the empty air of the Home Depot warehouse, I wonder if the feeling of prescience is anywhere close to the one you and Ewn sometimes get whenever you're convinced God is talking to you. I think the Barenaked Ladies are one of the worst things this country has ever produced besides the coup in Haiti and the residential school system, but I know what they meant.
I have a plan for the future. I have a list of things to do and things to have checked out, contacted, accomplished, logged into a C.V., assembled in a Google portfolio, and emailed all by May of next year. The election year. But there's always that fear, y'know? Wondering if you've made the right call, the things from your past you still feel like you haven't owned up to, the impossible despair at the heart of the world you don't really know shit about. It seems insurmountable, even if you learn to live with it. I know what to do, and I'm sure I'll feel a lot better once it's all over, but it's scary. I must be brave. Or something.
