I don't want to feel this way anymore. I've come so far. I'm literally cities away from where I used to be. I want to be better.
There's a song from The O.C. that I'm sure you've heard called "Your Ex Lover Is Dead" by Stars. My dad used to play it a lot. The opening sample, where the guy goes, says, "When there is nothing to burn, you must set yourself on fire." That line was stuck in my head all morning the day I met Robbie. Later, in their basement suite, among all the other anarchist ephemera, bongs, mattresses, cats, and unfinished paintings, I found a painting by their window with text that read SET YOURSELF ON FIRE in the center. I told them about the song. They said it just came to them randomly in painting it. I don't know what I mean by it, but it feels inspiring. There is so much more to burn, but I want none of it to burn any longer. I want literally nothing more than to skip to the burning myself - not in the sense of jumping into the North Saskatchewan or whatever, but in the becoming better sense. Like the one quote that might be from Nietzsche where you have to withstand burning coals to get better. That's all I want to do now. I cannot spend another fucking seven years of this. I'd rather undergo the worst two weeks of my life than spend another lifetime feeling like this. I'm going to get better. I have no other fucking choice.
