It's the end of my third-ish year of university. Jesus fucking Christ. Got an assload of shit to do in the next month. When I say 'assload', I mean that at a normal scale. I'm not behind on anything. I no longer have that option. Things are going relatively as planned. I know it could be a lot worse.
I have a lot of things in my life to figure out still. Same old shit I've complained about in either iteration of the Wattpad. A few years closer to getting anywhere with them, whether that means something resembling a resolution or death. Either way, I have plans in place.
I'm moving back to Dead Rear for the summer. Not for good, obviously. I'm absolutely devout as an Edmontonian convert. But I'm still going to miss the shit out of this city and whatever it was for me this last winter. It feels like the end of an era, even though nothing much is changing beyond J--- moving back to Korea permanently, which barely a drop in the pan, all things considered. Everyone else is still here. As for J---, I'll never really get to know him beyond some craft beer thing we might do before the actual end of the semester. Nobody knows him that well, apparently. But he did organize large swaths of this part of my life. I'll thank him before he leaves.
I have no fucking idea where I am going. I'm not even sure if I want to stay in the degree I'm in, despite how scary late into the game I'm in. I'm sure of very little besides this: 1. There are people who love me, 2. I love them, 3. rhe past is the past insofar as it's no longer actually happening, 4. The future is unwritten. I'm not nervous any more than I have to be. Something will make sense of itself. If not, I'll make sense of it with my bare hands. I love you all. Especially you, Madison.
-
Break-up shit:
I called A-- the other day because we do that once a month-ish, and they wanted to know the R----- business. The night before marked 3 months since she broke up with me (I've obviously been keeping score). That night, I also met her new piece, who I've railed against endlessly to you and to the group chat, even though I know nothing about him. We talked about him seeing LMFAO in Quebec, and I listened to him and R---- banter about how much he was drinking. She said something like, "You're like a fucking alcoholic!", and the guy (whose name is similar to the protagonist of the Bhagavad Gita) would say shit like "I guess I am". "This is so Brooklyn", I thought.
I (drunkenly) asked him, R-----, N------, and K------- if they all wanted to get dinner after the And Cowboys show, among other things, which humiliated me in retrospect. I thought I was being too much for Deeter and the Gang, but apparently, everyone thought I was being sweet. That made me feel really good to hear, even if my terms for feeling as such are too altruistic. It's that point that I often reach in things like this where I feel better knowing that I can make other people feel just a little bit better than I do, even if all that amounts to is me asking if they want to get pizza. I know I still have to care for myself here.
It's not like I've moved on. I still think about her every day. Like, it obviously still bothers me, but it's not so intense as it used to be. It's not like I think about her for most of the day anymore. It's more like 10 minutes. It's still putting in time, I guess. Honestly, it's wearing off. It feels the way classrooms feel in the summertime, where the amount of time you spent inside is felt, but it's passed now. You are probably only there to pick you things you've left behind, like yearbooks or something. It's that exact feeling. Her being with someone else definitively marks that end.
A-- gave me some good advice about it, or at least talked about it in a way that made me feel better about it. They described R----- as "lovebomb-y" - and therapy-speak is something I normally am annoyed by with A-- - but it was surprisingly a really helpful thing to hear. I never thought of it on those terms, but that's absolutely what it was at times. They went on this very in-character speech about how given "The way you talk and conduct yourself, you could get individual you want."(1) I say in-character because I and everyone else are never quite sure if they're hitting on me, but message received. I'll take their word for it. At least it's over now.
(1) This is an Ash-ism that I like a lot. They use the word "individual" constantly. It's somehow more declarative and dignified than "person" or "bitch", obviously. I usually hate when it's used, but I like that they go out of their way to constantly affirm people as being singular. I think that's a beautiful attitude.
