Beautiful Sin [ ON HOLD ]

Chapter 18.

Waking up at 8 am on a Sunday morning felt like a cruel punishment. The sound of an early morning which comprised of the chirping of various kinds of birds and solemn buzz of the world underground , singular cars hooting occasionally and the snoring of Aaron beside me...I wanted to bury the idea of going to mass , but the sting of wanting to impress was too insatiable.

I couldn't put my thoughts on a pedestal, I couldn't stop thinking about her. Teresa. My heart burst with unwelcomed warmth and joy as pictures of her innocent demeanor shifted and turned in my head like the perfect cinematography. This was limerence....I was weirdly obsessed with the idea of her . The mere thought of seeing her smile was the perfect fuel to drive me out of bed this early on a Sunday morning as I toured down the hall and into the shower for a bathe. I hadn't talked to Aaron since the other day, when we both almost caught each other's fists in our mouths in a fight. I wondered if he'd purposefully ignored me when I trudged in the house at 3 am after Tanya kicked me out.

Tanya....

I sighed as I lathered liquid soap against my skin , slippery fingers , sliding ever so effortlessly across my neck and head before stopping at the hickey on my shoulder. She really knew how to mark me, leaving a memory of what naughty adventure we had embarked on for a few days before it fades away , like all the countless of times we'd fucked. She was always just a fling...casual. She wasn't my person. I didn't really know who my person was. Maybe whatever words Tanya had scolded me with rung true. Maybe I was just scared of commitment.

The underwhelming thought of settling down left more than a sour taste in my mouth. The fear of never being good enough was my constant struggle. The pain ran shallow but it's effects sored deep and the more it stayed,the deeper it got. I never wanted to look far ahead in life, when it came to romance and settling down. And I was happy that Tanya shared similar opinions as me when it came to settling down,until yesterday when she declared her retirement from all things casual.

I felt abandoned. Like,she really knew me. We understood each other at certain levels,she shared some of my flaws but now...I felt alone, almost lonely. The sex had been the highlight of the night, but then Teresa tore through the picture. I wasn't meant to be sleeping around. I promised her but yet I failed.

And yet even with all this guilt hood piling up in front of me like a mountain, I still looked forward to seeing her. My lips quirked up in a smile as I imagined whatever she's doing as of now. It 8 am. She's probably arranging for mass.

I wondered what dress she'd dawn today. Long, nicely ironed, clean and tidy, just like her aura. Teresa was more than a sentence in my mind.. I'd almost built libraries in my mind discerning her beauty, her rituals,her opinions....she was the last one of her kind.

As forbidden as it was , I couldn't hold back from looking at her in that spectacle - spectacle of lust and obsession. I was obsessed with the idea of having her in my company the same way Tanya obsessed about the idea of us. I wanted her, as shocking of a confession as it sounded, I really did want her,every follicle of her being. Keeping up with this facade, I knew it was wrong to try and lead her into the path that is not righteous. I was the snake and she was Eve.

I was the one who'd tempt her into biting off from the fruit of the forbidden tree. All this time I painted myself as a victim. I thought I was Eve and she was the fruit. But really, I am the serpent and she's Eve, struggling to follow orders of her ordinance. She was under vows, vows that shouldn't be broken but supposedly, she bent a few of the rules? Would it be so selfish?

Thirty minutes later, I found myself bracing the walk towards the archaic church. The wind brought a soothing psithurism as it brushed gently through the leaves, dew glistening against the golden sun rays. The tension that had held me captive slowly dissipated as my shoulders loosen at the feel of the morning atmosphere.