Beautiful Sin [ ON HOLD ]

Chapter 41.

Teresa's point of view.

The more I prayed, the less I believed.

Our Lord's prayer.

Each sentence forming at the tip of my tongue , the same prayer that brought me comfort and tranquility, hope and peace , now  felt like an incantation of betrayal to my once unwavering faith. The devil was working against me , against my faith and I was crumbling. He had me tethered to sinful desires, had formed a force field around me , preventing me from doing that which I had vowed not to do as my journey to becoming a nun proved less than a walk in a park.

He was whispering sinful thoughts into my mind , coercing me with his gentle touch , hypnotizing me with ideas of wickedness and I shamefully lend him my ears, my full attention. I can't believe I had the audacity to consider doing it! To consider sinning! But my faith and assertion was slowly withering into a frail foundation...I was starving.

Craving.

Fuck! I need this!

I wondered what it would feel like to be underneath his muscular body, engulfed by the scent of him , staining my skin with his unadulterated warmth. I wondered what it would feel like to have his touch around my delicate skin, caressing me in the same manner I usually do to the pages of my Bible. I wondered what it would feel like to have his plump inviting lips pressed against mine , poisoned by the aphrodisiac venom of his saliva inside my eager tongue... I wonder what it would feel like to sin with him.

Levi Silverstein.

I never thought of myself as a pervert but something inside me was screaming for him to fuck me....hard, fast, slow , gentle , every possible way he can. I don't know where that came from. It was a terrifyingly surprising fantasy that scared me. Him between my legs, exploring regions of my flesh that have yet to be explored, feeling me up , using me . The little dignity I had left for myself flushed down the toilet as I fantasized about him claiming my Innocence. I wanted to be used by him.

I wanted him to ruin me , physically, mentally and spiritually.

I hated that I entertained such a dangerous fantasy. Self control was my enfranchisement, a gift I vowed to hold so dearly with me until I died but it seemed as though that rare gift was sipping through the spaces of my fingers like water cupped inside the palms of my hands. Everytime I am around him , it slips further and further away from me leaving me with a desperate soul in need of quenching.

I was a hypocrite. Preaching about chastity and self control meanwhile I was busy fantasizing about what it would feel like to have my virginity taken from me by this handsome devil who had bad news written all over him. I know he's changed, I'm proud of that progress but a part of me , a dark sinister part of my soul wishes for him to revert back to his old self and just take me. Take me for one night, away from the judging eyes of the church, away from my most sacred duties and just revoke my innocence.

I wanted those thoughts out of my head. I shook my head so vigorously, I felt a twinge on the nape , trying to discard those horrible obscene thoughts. To no avail. Frustration pumped through my veins as I squeezed my rosary inside my hand , the beads denting my palm with tiny bead-shaped holes. Even Mary couldn't get me out of this one. If only there was an off switch button somewhere....

I was flushed. Uncomfortably hot and bothered, I opted to rush to my room and take a long icy cold shower hoping the remedy would cool me down. The evening breeze was like a blowing force, pushing me back against my determined strides down the pavements ,my veil flagging behind like a flag on a windy day . My heart was a pounding drum against my chest afraid it'd give away, my lungs like tiny balloons inflating with each deep breaths I took, afraid they'd burst or something. I give half hearted waves and nods to the few loitering nuns I run into on the corridors, relieved that despite the sexual frustration I felt,my politeness never departed me.