Just Lovers [WooSan]

018

San 

I stayed quiet around Wooyoung as much as I could. I was afraid all he had to do was ask me to forgive him and I'd fall to my knees in front of him. 

I never had much strength whenever I was around him. The only reason why I stayed away as long as I did was because of Hana. 

I was way more hurt than I should've been when Hana came home with a box that was filled with all of the things I had given Wooyoung or let him borrow. 

The helmet was the thing that bothered me the most. 

I had no idea how I didn't fold on the spot when I saw him. Hana left to go to the art studio but I stayed behind to make sure Wooyoung was okay.

He finally came out of my room, groaning in pain as he did so. I thought about running to his side and helping him but instead I just ignored it. I didn't need to get attached again. 

Though I wasn't sure I ever unattached myself from him. 

"Why are you taking care of me?" Wooyoung asked, filling in the silence I had created. 

My breathing turned a little jagged. 

I didn't want to answer the question because I wasn't sure how to. I didn't want to tell him how much I still cared about him. I didn't want that to be an invitation for us to go right back where we were. Sure, I was happy when I was with him but was that worth all the pain I still felt? 

I didn't know why I was so hard to love or why nobody bothered to even try. 

I never believed in my ability to fix people through love. I didn't think that was a thing. 

I couldn't keep being around him like this while trying to pretend like I couldn't stand him. 

"Leave." I said. 

It felt impossible to bring my eyes to his and when I did, it was like a slap in the face to see how hurt he was. 

He was like his very own kind of drug. His presence would just ruin my life but I was already addicted. Being sober only worked so well if it wasn't being shoved in your face. 

"Why?" He whispered, his voice sounding so fragile. 

"I'm in love with you." I admitted. His eyes widened and I sighed. "Because of that. Because you'll leave anyway. I'd rather save myself the pain and cut off ties now." 

"San..." 

"Stop. Why did you sleep with Jiho? That's what I want to know." I said. 

His face fell. "I didn't like how you looked at me." 

I clenched my jaw, already knowing his answer. "How did I look at you?" 

"Like there was something worth looking at." He said. 

I nodded. "Go. I don't care how you feel about me, because it's not enough to treat me like I matter." 

His brow furrowed and he seemed angry by my words. "No. I'm not leaving." 

"Then I'll leave." I grabbed my bike keys and helmet. 

"Don't-" His voice broke and I froze. 

Goddammit. 

"Give me one good reason." I said but he was silent. That was all I needed to find the courage I lost and continue out the door. 

I needed to drive. 

I didn't know where or for how long. 

But I just needed to get out of here and away from him. 

 I had to pull off the road or I'd end up crashing with how fast I was going. It got to the point where I had to outrun a cop because I was going way too fast. Luckily it wasn't that hard to lose them in traffic. 

However, now I couldn't breathe and I was shaking so hard that I almost failed to correct another death wobble my bike had. I parked into an abandoned gas station parking lot, my bike falling on it's side and I fell to my knees, ripping my helmet off so I could feel like I could breathe. 

I clutched at my chest, pulling my jacket off and throwing it because the sensation of the leather had started to feel like sandpaper in my mind. 

My mind went numb and I fell silent, falling into such a hard dissociation that I was almost convinced I blacked out. 

I blinked when I felt something wet on my face. It had been raining so often lately that I wondered if the world would flood. 

I looked up into the dark sky, not even knowing how long I had been out here or how long I had been staring off into nothing. More often than not, my anxiety attacks turned into me dissociating so hard I lost touch with reality. I hated losing time like I did, but it felt weird going to Hongjoong now. 

I should've because maybe I wouldn't have been stuck out in the rain again with my bike. Since last time was exactly what caused this whole fucking mess. 

I sighed, getting off my sore and aching knees to grab my jacket and pull it back on even if it was soaked. As much as I hated that it was raining, that was the only thing that snapped me back to the real world which was needed. 

I left at nine in the morning and now it was close to midnight and I hadn't eaten. I had no idea where the fuck I was either, because I had just drove. I put my helmet on and lifted my bike off the ground then quickly checked it to make sure it was alright. 

It was raining so hard, it made my anxiety only worsen knowing that I'd have to drive in that. It could last hours and I couldn't just wait in the middle of nowhere while I was waiting for it to stop. I needed sleep and more than that, I needed food. 

Why was I supposed to be the okay one? 

Why couldn't I also be fucked up? 

I felt pretty fucked up right now.