Just Lovers [WooSan]

021

Wooyoung 

"I know it sounds like I'm just making excuses. That I'm saying I've been through some shit so that should be a good enough reason for you to forgive me. But I'm not saying that. I'm just trying to explain why the idea of love makes me so uncomfortable." I said, I knew I was rambling but I so desperately wanted him to understand me. More than anyone in the world would because I was telling him things I hadn't told anyone, not even Mihi.  

"Why are you telling me this? Just to tell me that you aren't capable of loving me? I know that, Wooyoung." He said. The longer I explained why I was the was I was, the faster he seemed to shut down on me and it felt like I had already lost before I even began trying. 

"I didn't say that!" I didn't want him to think that was what I was getting at because he couldn't have been more dead wrong. "I just...I don't know how to let myself be loved. It feels unnatural to me because I've never had it before, not in this way." 

"I haven't either!" He admitted and our eyes locked. Was I that selfish? That I ignored his own traumatic experiences with ex's and just focused on my own bullshit? "This isn't just new to you." 

"Then why is it so easy for you to show how you feel?!" 

"Because I have to. And why should other people stop me from doing what I want? If I let other people control me, I'd never live my life." 

Isn't that exactly what I was doing? Letting other people dictate my life and influence my decisions? 

"Stop acting like I'm perfect." He continued. "I'm far from it. I'm just as fucked up, which means I can't be with someone who is going to make me worse. I'm barely holding on as it is. I don't need to become a burden to the people I care about even more."

"Do I make you worse?" 

The idea of it made my gut churn. That I had fucked him up so bad that it was affecting him in ways I didn't even know. I had no idea that it was like this and I felt stupid. 

"You hurting me does." He said and I felt my heart shatter. 

"I love you." I said. I had no idea why, it was so extremely selfish. Maybe the most selfish thing I've done to him by far. But I had to get the words out or they'd drive me crazy. I had held them in too long and it was torment. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner." 

His phone alarm started ringing and it made me check the clock, where I realized the thirty minutes had already passed. 

I felt my body slump a little. 

This was it. 

This was the last time I'd see him. 

"You should probably get going. Thank you for listening to me even though you didn't want to ." I said, bringing my eyes back to him. 

He stared at me for a long moment and I wished I could see inside his brain to understand what he was thinking. Was he cursing me out like he rightfully should? He did have every right to. I was flipping his world upside down all over again. 

"Are you being serious right now?" He asked. 

"I wouldn't lie about that." I said. "I just wanted you to know otherwise I know I'd regret it. You were the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm sorry I fucked it all up."