Struggling to Connect: The 6th Book

Chapter 38: His Shot

Daryl and I meet off to the side to discuss next steps, "we tie him up again?" Daryl questions, his hand still very much heavily gripping his bow.

I shrug, "I don't think he's gonna go anywhere. Can't really go anywhere with Beta still out there. I'm sure he's looking for him."

Daryl grunts in thought, "mmm, maybe. So we head back to the others. Get to Alexandria and figure out the play."

"Yea, this isn't done. We gotta get going." I agree and we head back over to where Negan is picking through the guys on the ground for their weapons.

Daryl calls over to him, "let's go."

Negan looks at him briefly then to me. He opens his mouth to say something but I turn from him and head off to the lead the way. He knows better than to try and talk to me right now so he just follows between me and Daryl. A couple of hours go by, and we take a break as the sun sets into the middle of the sky. We sit on a log, Negan still between us and Daryl passes his canteen to Negan to drink from, "not to spin a broken record, but I don't think she's comin' back." He refers to Carol. Daryl gives him a deathly glare so Negan mutters after taking a sip, "you know, I'm... I'm not bullshitting you."

"I know." Daryl simply answers, not wanting to have a conversation.

Negan either doesn't catch it or doesn't care and goes on, "when I said that I liked it... that wasn't part of the act."

"Yeah. I know." Daryl mutters again with annoyance.

"You know, when your people locked me up, I lost everything. You know, seven years spent staring out that little window.. man, it sucked." He starts to share with him, "it got so bad that even my memories had bars painted on 'em. So when Alpha took me in... I admit it, I... I liked it. It was..." He sighs and tries to find the right words, "it was nice feeling like I mattered again, like I was respected." Hearing him say that made my stomach turn over and I stood up and stormed away to try and hide myself getting sick from the both of them. I stumble forward through the overgrown grass and weeds to try and dry heave out the water I just sipped down. I stay rested standing with my hands on my knee's and head down for a few moments and when I stand up and exhale, I hear Negan's voice behind me, "Sadie-baby, please."

I turn around quick and push against him hard, as hard as I can to push him away from me, "don't! Don't you Sadie-baby me! No, not anymore." I wave my finger up at him, "all those years, all those nights, and you never felt like you mattered to me? Are you shitting me?"

"Come on, that's not what--" He tries to explain.

I interrupt him though, "No! That must be how you felt. Because if I did make you feel like you mattered, maybe you wouldn't have fuckin' left me alone. Left me without a word. Just gone." I throw my hands together and apart like a poof motion to get my point across.

He sighs softly, "I didn't have the time. I had one chance to get out, you know what would've happened if I stayed. They were out for my blood."

I shake my head, "I wouldn't have let that happen. Negan, you and I..." I gesture between us, "we we're working up to something and then you just left me. Did you even think about what that would mean to me?"

He nods, "yea, I did. Course I did. But I also thought what it would mean to you when I took Alpha down. I thought about all the nightmares you had, all the nights I would have to wake you up through those and wipe away your tears, feel the sweat through your clothes, I thought about how all that could stop. How you'd be able to rest easy again, feel safe again outside of a fuckin' cell with me. And yea, I knew you'd probably stop coming around as much, but that didn't fuckin' matter. I wanted you to be happy again."

I shake my head, "couldn't you see that you were helping me get back to being happy. You." I push my finger into his shirt as hard as I could.

He shakes his head, swaying just slightly back at my force, "like I said, being behind those bars. I didn't want that for you. You don't deserve to be down there living a life behind the cell door. No matter how much I love ya, I didn't want that for you."

I push him again, "no." I point to him again and squint my eyes, "don't you dare say you did this shit because you love me. You did it for yourself, to get out."

"Why can't it be both?" He steps closer to me, "why can't I have done this to get out and maybe a chance with you."

"You had a chance! Do you not remember sitting on the bench that day, before everything happened? I didn't give a shit what other people thought, I didn't care we we're hanging out in a cell majority of our time together. I cared about you, that was enough for me."

Negan shakes his head, "and wouldn't it be nice if we didn't have to behind bars? Maybe it didn't matter to you because you could come and go as you please, but I was a prisoner, Sadie. No matter how much time you spent with me down there, when you were gone, the door was locked or the guards were on me. For 7 long ass years. So yea, I took the fuckin shot I needed to get out. Because I love you, but I love myself too, and I wanted a better fuckin' life for us both.

I don't have any other points to make so I just lower my head and push past him to walk back towards were Daryl is sitting. His back is  towards us still on the old tree, but I'm sure he heard most, if not all of our conversation. I stand behind him and utter, "lets keep going."

"Iight" he simply replies and stands up. He looks over to where Negan is standing with his hands on his hips and his head down. Negan finally lifts his head and Daryl whistles for him to come over and gestures with his head to the side to follow. When Negan starts to walk, I do as well to take the lead.