Struggling to Connect: The 6th Book

Chapter 41: Apart Again

I head off to find Negan, wanting to grab him as my partner out on the walk to the wagon. I catch him a floor below me removing some items against a door frame for people to get our from, "hey, will you protect me out there?"

I ask but then turn away to grab the jacket I brought up to put on, assuming he'd just agree. When he doesn't answer, I turn back around and glance up at him. He has a sad smile on his face and I know I'm not going to like his answer, "I can't go out there."

"What?" I push for more than just that. After leaving me like he did and being at the attack against the hilltop, he needs to give me more.

He steps closer to grab my hand, "the big bad unjolly giant out there will have it out for me. I'm spotted, it's game over for me and anyone near me. I can't risk going out there and drawing that attention." I bite my lower lip, annoyed as hell he's not going out there with me but nod, agreeing with his theory. Beta is extremely loyal to Alpha, obvious by the horde surrounding us even after her death. Negan killed her, so Beta will want to kill him." Negan asks, "you sure you have to go? They have 4 groups already, why don't ya stay in here?"

I shake my head, "I can't sit on the sidelines. She's gone now, and she took too much of my life away. I need to take it back. I need to finish this. I still don't know why she spared my life and this might be my last chance to figure it out. I have to know what this has been all about" I explain, not even realizing this was the reason I wanted to go out until I said it.

Negan steps closer to me and puts his right hand against my cheek, "You'll be careful out there, ya?" He asks me with concern. In the past when he'd say that, it never sounded deep with too much concern behind it. But right now, his voice shakes and I know it's different for him now that he's out of a prison cell.

Chills run through me as I smirk back, "I always am." Pushing my cheek into his hand, letting the warmth spread through me. Negan then leans down to try and kiss me but I turn my head, allowing him to kiss my cheek instead. I'm still not over what happened, and I'm even more upset that he and Alpha shared something together. I know I don't have a claim over him, but it still repulses me to think he kissed her and more.

Negan nods a few times as he steps back, accepting without question my denial when Daryl smirking as I glance over at him when he walks in. He snickers towards Negan to try and hide it, "hey. Why you clean?"

"I ain't going." He turns to face him.

"You've done this more'n any of us." Daryl replies, and I move to go to the dead walker to get bloodied up as Negan explains.

Shortly after I finish piling on the blood and guts, Gabriel sighs loudly and tells us all, "it's time."

Negan found his way elsewhere and the rest of us all nod at each other with determination. This will work. It has to work. Since I have no one to go out with, I take the lead. Determined to get in front first and help everyone get to the wagon. As we open the door, the dead pour inside. We all stand still for a bit as they grumble their way around and then I start the slow and dead like walk forward and out. My breathing wants to keep up with my heart rate but I focus on keeping it low, holding it for a few seconds before slowly letting it out as I pass more and more of the dead. I got a glance at the heard surrounding us but it's a whole different feeling of dread being in the middle of this. I hear some screaming but can tell by the heard around me that it's not from someone who exited the tower. Those who stayed behind are taking out alpha's followers from above and I keep my eyes forward. Not long after that scream, the heard begins to tighten and I know I need to move faster. I pick up my pace, ignoring all the grumbling bodies around me and push through. When I make it to our meeting point just into the tree line, I lower myself to my knees and put my head down, breathing deeply to try and lower my heart rate. I remind myself that being within that horde then was not as bad as being in that shed. She didn't turn me into one of her walkers and she's not going to take us down with her. As I feel my heart rate lower, I hear some whispers behind me. I turn quick and see Luke and Jules coming into the tree line. They lower themselves down low to stay hidden and the three of us keep our eyes ahead for the other 3 groups. Magna and Jerry make their way next and I can see the relief on Magna's face as she gets out of the chaos. Time goes slow but soon Daryl and Kelly get out and we're just one group out from getting to the wagon and setting up. Daryl let's Kelly join us by the trees but mutters lowly, "where's Carol, where's Beatrice? We all look at him, and then each other and he turns to look back from where he came from. Moments later we hear a scream, and we hold our breaths to see if it's one of theirs or ones of ours. A short time later and we all see Carol come out with the bag in her hand that left on Beatrice but behind her is Lydia in her mothers mask. We all stand up to move, but my stomach drops seeing her out here with us, wishing she was back inside with Negan.