Struggling to Connect: The 6th Book

Chapter 9: Finding Happiness

Tw: Mention of cutting

The pain starts to stir up inside, and I bend down to grab my shirt so I can get out of there, "wow. Wow, slow down sweetheart." Negan tries to stop me, "what's going on with you?" He asks, grabbing my wrist lightly.

"If you won't help me forget then I'll just go back to what I know." I utter back, referring to my past of cutting. Negan turns his head slightly to the side and looks at me with a lopsided toothless smile. I start to get uncomfortable and I yell out, "what are you doing?"

"I'm just taking it all in for memory before you go and put that shirt on and sit down to talk to me." His arrogance annoys me and I puff out some air, rolling my eyes and throwing my T-shirt back on.

"I can't believe you're denying sex right now, after all these years locked away." I try to argue with him, annoyed as hell I have to feel again right now.

"It wouldn't be right." He replies.

"Oh, so now you're Mr. nice guy?" I spit back.

He moves to sit on the bed and I head towards the cell door, "nah, I'm not nice. You know I've done some shit. But I'm trying to be a better friend, because I like you. And I don't want to see you fuck up your life." He always like to remind me that he likes me. I hate it.

I turn to insult him, "so fucking you would fuck up my life? You're that bad?"

He chuckles, "baby, fucking me would change your life, but doing it now would ruin our friendship. I don't want that."

"It won't" I try to assure him, and turn back to him to be honest with him, "I just don't want to feel this pain. And I don't know any other way to deal with pain then hurting myself. And replacing the pain with pleasure was actually working."

Negan pats the spot next to him on the bed and I slowly walk over to sit next to him, "I know I'm not winning any nicest person awards round here, but you can talk to me Sadie-baby."

"I'm afraid if I talk about it, I'll just end up crying." I open up, the tears starting to stain my cheeks.

"I can handle it." He puts his hand on my back and the tears start to flow. I turn my head into Negans chest and cry. I cry harder then I have in awhile and Negan just rubs my head and back to soothe me, waiting until I'm ready to talk.

After a while, I sit up and wipe at the tears. I whisper to him, "he's moved on, he found somebody else to love."

"I'm sorry Sadie-Mae." Negan simply says.

"After losing Anna I really thought we could get back to what we had. I thought getting back out on the road would help heal us, but then Rick died and.." I trail off, not really knowing what happened after that.

"And Daryl lost himself." Negan fills in the blank. I eye him, wondering what he means. He explains, "Rick was a glue to these communities. Darry boy was with Rick from the beginning from what I understand, so when that glue broke, he didn't know what to do."

"He married me, I don't know why but I thought that meant something to him." I comment back

"Marriage does mean something. It didn't to me back then, but I see now how special it is. After what I put Lucille through in our marriage, and how she loved me after.." he trails off for a moment in a memory, "marriage isn't for everybody though. Maybe it was just too much for him."

"Maybe I was too much for him." I confess with worry, "I guess I didn't make it easy for him to.."

But Negan stops me mid thought, "no, you don't blame yourself for his shit. If he's a dumb sack of nuts to not realize what he lost, that's on him."

"Looks like he just found someone better, someone he belongs too." I repeat the words from his note to her.

I don't even know her and I am so envious of her. Of the love she now has that was once mine. Negan shakes his head, "and you haven't met anyone all this time apart?"

I shake my head, "I always knew he was out there. So I just assumed we would find our way back to each other. I never expected someone else to get in our way."

"See, that's the problem Sadie-baby." Negan says. I sit up a bit straighter, offended he's blaming me. He goes on to explain, "you got comfortable, you stopped fighting. Even with no one to fight, you have to find something to fight for."

"I don't know what to fight for anymore." I honestly tell him, leaning my head down into his shoulder.

He puts his outer arm around me and caresses my cheek and whispers, "happiness."

After a minute of this, I sit up and thank him, "thank you, Negan. I know what I have to do."

"Good" Negan smiles, "and now that you're not out looking for revenge sex on Dixon.." negan pulls the cuffs off of the bed where he put them and dangles them out, "maybe we could get back to what we started."

I take the cuffs from his hands and chuckle, "sorry friend, that ship has sailed." Negan snaps his finger in an oh shucks kind of way with a smile on his face. I stand up to head back to the cell to leave, but before I make it half way I turn back around. I take the short 3 steps back to Negan and he stands up. I take his hand and put it under my shirt, his hand cusping my breast over my bra. I lean up to kiss him for just a few moments before pulling away, "for your next fantasy." I wink at him.

He removes his hand and smiles wide, "even after all these years, you surprise the shit out of me Sadie-baby." I leave the cell and return the cuffs to the wall. He calls back to me as I leave, "don't be a stranger!"