The Hunger games - I'm still breathing (Everlark)

Chapter 10

Peeta holds the door open for me, leading into my house. This act makes me feel guilty about my own actions at Haymitch's. Even though he's mad at me, he's still caring for me. I walk into the living room without saying a word.
"Why would you do that Katniss?" Peeta asks, following me. His voice is low and quiet, which feels more unsettling than if he were to yell at me.
I don't reply, unsure of how to put into words why I did what I did.
"Do you want to end up like Haymitch?" He asks again.
"Why would anyone want to end up like Haymitch, Peeta?" I reply, finding my voice.
"Well you, apparently. Drinking won't solve anything Katniss. It won't get rid of your nightmares, if anything it will intensify them. You cowered under my touch this morning, it took me an hour to break you from whatever hallucination you were having,"
I snap my eyes shut, trying to block out the image of Peeta's abused face.
"I might not be able to break you from them in the future if you're drunk," he finishes sadly.
"I wasn't going to get drunk Peeta, I just wanted something to numb the ache that I feel every single day. Something to erase the grim images I see in my dreams every single night," I say, feeling myself getting worked up.
"Why don't you talk to me about your dreams then? You never talk to me about them! Surely letting it out and talking about it is better than letting them fester inside you?" He says, his voice raising.
"I told you I don't want to talk Peeta!" I yell back at him.
"So you'd rather drink yourself through life then?" He says, bitterly.
"You wouldn't understand," I say, the fire draining out of me.
"Really Katniss? I lost my family. I was tortured by the Capitol and you're saying I wouldn't understand?" He asks, his voice breaking at the end. Without giving me time to respond he turns and leaves the house, slamming the door on his way out. Leaving me with the broken pieces.
Why did I say that to him? How could I say that to him after everything he's been through? Peeta understands more than anyone what it's like. I feel the voices come creeping back into my mind.
See what you've done now?

Do you see how you hurt every person you touch?

You could live a hundred lifetimes and still not deserve that boy.

You don't deserve him!

I flee from my house, trying to escape from the voices. But you can't run from the monsters inside you. I am blind, running and running. My feet have no sense of direction. I don't know where I am going nor do I care. I trip on the skeletons that lie in the pathway, trample on the innocent lives I played my part in destroying. My tears are endless. My sobs are limitless. People stare at the poor deranged Mockingjay. Children's faces are hidden away, their parents wanting to protect them from the sight of the broken girl with broken wings.
I find myself with Prim in the woods. The voices are long gone and replaced by the pounding of my heart.
"Prim I need you!" I cry. The Mockingjays fall silent, unable to replicate the inhuman noises coming out of my mouth.
I rock back and forth, stroking the curve of Prim's cheek on the painting. I stare at it unblinking, every part of me wanting the picture to absorb me into the summery meadow, into my sister's arms, into a world that is safe where only good things happen. The picture stares back at me, unchanging.
I remember the letter I found in Haymitch's house from my mother in my back pocket. My quivering hands take it out and begin to unfold it.

Dear Haymitch,
I know I have no right to ask you this favour, since I am unable to fulfil it myself, but I need you to look after Katniss for me. I need you to help bring her back to life. She can't do it on her own. She may seem strong and together but I know my daughter. Prim was her rock, as she was mine. Katniss' life revolved around keeping us safe and making sure we were cared for. Without that, I don't know where her motivation for life will come from. I know Peeta's there to help her too but he's still recovering himself. She needs someone who will motivate her to keep going, who will help her to see the beautiful in a world that's grey. Please be there for her Haymitch. She will come back, I know she will. She's her father's daughter.
Mrs Everdeen.

I read the letter over and over again. I read it to Prim, my tears making the ink smudge on the page.
My mother is wrong, I'm not strong I am weak. I'm not holding it together, I'm falling apart. I don't want the motivation to live my life, I don't deserve to live after everything I've done.
I curl into a ball and lie next to my sister till the woods darken and the moon lights up the night sky. The cold sends shivers through my body and the wind takes my breath away.
With every breath that is stolen, I pray that it's my last one.