The Hunger games - I'm still breathing (Everlark)

Chapter 39

Four white walls. The white sheets. The whiteness of the sky outside the window. These are the things that register when I come to. It's blinding and though it makes no noise, it's deafening too. White. A blank, empty space stretching out for miles and miles. Empty. Nothing. This is how I feel inside. White.

My small, antiseptic smelling room is oppressive. Outside my door, the hospital is alive with the hum of lowered voices and beeping machines, doing for people what they can't do for themselves. Breathing, feeding, drinking. I can't move. The lower half of my body aches, my heart hammers in my chest. It's trying to tell me something that I already know. There is no baby. It, he, she, whatever they were, they're gone. I don't need a doctor to tell me that.

My mother sits by my side, her hand in mine. When she sees that I am awake, her eyes begin to shine and she brings her other hand up to stroke my cheek. I turn away and find Peeta, sat in a chair at the other side of the room. His head rests in his hands, hiding his face from me.

"Peeta?" It's supposed to come out steady and strong, but instead it catches on the end and lodges itself in my throat. The sob that does come out is unexpected.

A sob would normally draw Peeta to my side in a heartbeat. But he remains in his chair and stares at me as if I am a stranger. It then occurs to me that Peeta should be the one sat holding my hand and not my mother. So why isn't he? Just as the silence is becoming unbearable, he speaks up.

"You were pregnant and you didn't tell me."

"Peeta I didn't know..."

"But you did though, didn't you?" He interrupts. "You knew exactly what was going on and you didn't tell me."

I open my mouth but no words come out. I avert my gaze to the floor, no longer able to look him in the eye.

"That's what I thought," he says, coldly.

"Katniss was in denial, Peeta," my mother quietly points out. I shake my head at her but Peeta has already caught on to what she has said.

"You knew?" he asks.

"I guessed, I've been treating pregnant women for years, Peeta. I know what morning sickness looks like."

She's trying to put it in a better light but her words only agitate Peeta more. He sighs and leans his head back against the chair.

"And no one thought to tell me," he murmurs.

"I wanted to tell you, Peeta," I stammer.

"Then why didn't you?" He suddenly shouts. He's leaning forward in his seat with his elbows resting on his knees. "Why didn't you tell me something like that, Katniss? Do you know what it was like today to find out I'd lost a baby that I never even knew I had?"

"Just let me explain," I say, even though I know that nothing I say will ever make up for what I have done to him.

He doesn't say anything, just rubs his eyes as if he were rubbing the sight of me away.

"Peeta, please?" I cry, holding my free hand out to him.

He gets up and runs his fingers through his hair. He walks over to the window, blatantly ignoring my request for him to come and sit with me.

"You're really just going to ignore me?" I ask, bitterly. Hot, angry tears are beginning to fall. When Peeta doesn't respond, I feel the urge to shake him.

"Fine, if you won't come to me, then I'll come to you," I say, impulsively ripping the sheets back.

"Katniss, no," my mother tries to hold me back. I push her away and continue my struggle, gritting my teeth at the knives that are stabbing in my abdomen. I now have Peeta's attention and his need to protect me takes over. He rushes to me and as my mother did, tries to lay me back down.

"You need to rest, Katniss," he says sternly.

"No!" I shout, pushing back with all the force I can muster. "Not until you listen to me!"

Then I spot the blood that has leaked on to the sheets and I lose it. I crumple into a heap and release a long, hollow wail. Ugly, broken sounds echo off the white walls. White. Empty. Nothing. I have nothing inside of me anymore. Peeta tries to comfort me but I can only push him away.

"Leave me alone!" I scream. "Do you know what it was like to have a child, your child, die inside of me before it even had a chance?"

I hit out at him, wanting to be as far away from him as possible. I lost his child. I took something else away from him. He should never want to come near me again. He grabs my balled up fists, stopping them from hitting his chest.

"What don't you get? Your baby died because of me! Why are you still here?" I cry.

"Katniss please calm down!" he shouts over me.

A doctor comes running into the room to see what all the commotion is about and takes in my disheveled state. He immediately produces a needle from one of his pockets and sticks it into my arm which Peeta is still holding.

I instantly feel myself begin to deflate.

"This can be a normal reaction to this kind of situation," I hear the doctor telling my mother.

I lay back down on to my pillow exhausted. I clutch my stomach and roll onto my side, still shedding my tears. Peeta sits on the bed beside me and offers me his hand, which I don't hesitate to take. I place it under my cheek and allow his cinnamon scent to wash over me. I can feel myself being dragged into sleep where no doubt a gruesome nightmare waits for me.

When I wake, I see that Peeta has not moved from the position he was in earlier. He hand still lays under my cheek and he's staring sadly off into space. The room would be in complete darkness if it wasn't for the moonlight filtering through the blinds. I reach up and stroke his arm. He looks down at me and smiles.

"Hey," he says.

"Hey."

"I'm sorry, Katniss. I had no right to be angry when you had just gone through something so traumatic. It was selfish," he says. It might just be the dark playing tricks on me but I'm sure I see a single tear fall from his eye.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you," I say.

"It wasn't your fault either, the baby didn't die because of you, Katniss. It was an accident, you couldn't have done anything to help it even if you tried," he reassures me.

"I've spent the last month wishing that this would all just go away and now that it has..." I trail off, unable to finish my sentence.

"Shh, it's okay," Peeta say, wiping my tears that have freed themselves.

"Will you lay with me?" I ask weakly.

"Yeah, of course," he replies.

He twists his body around and entangles his legs with mine. His arm wraps around my body, resting at the small of my back. I bury my head in his chest, feeling safer than I have in a long time.

"It's all going to be okay, Katniss. I promise."