am i what you want?| billie eilish

12.| you're not ready.

it's been a few weeks since billie asked me to go on tour with her and since then things have been really rocky between us. she leaves in about a month for her first show, so i don't know what's going to happen with us.

"hey rae, hey vic" i yawned as i entered the kitchen where they were both sitting at the table. "wow! the troll has finally come out of her cave!" rae joked and i shoved her shoulder causing her chair to tip. "damn chill" she laughed "then shut up" i warned and went over to the fridge.

"where's billie been? she hasn't been here in almost two weeks" vic asked while still looking at her phone. "she's not very happy with me right now" i shrugged, ignoring the looks on their faces. "don't even say anything." i mean mugged both of them,

"do you really not want to go?" vic turned around to face me while i walked into the living room. "of course i want to go! why wouldn't i?" i raised my voice and threw my arms up. "it's just i can't take that long off of work, i could lose my job" i sighed

"alaia. be so forreal. you've been wanting to quit modeling for the last year" reagen added. "on my own time not because someone wants me to" i rolled my eyes and sat on the couch. "you're difficult alaia" vic groaned and turned her back to me.

"you guys should be on my side" i mumbled and went up to my room, slamming the door behind me. i stayed in there for quite some time before putting on my slippers and grabbing my keys, going out to my car. "where are you going?" rae asked before i shut the door. "out" i said and went outside.

i had to talk to billie, i can't stand the avoidance anymore. i pulled into her driveway and there was another 5-6 cars there. she was probably in a meeting. i debated before i started walking to the door, then turning around to go back to my car. "oh my gosh! alaia?" some woman called from a car. i turned towards her and squinted my eyes.

"it's maggie, billie mom" she smiled as she got out the car and came over to me pulling me into a hug. "i was just heading in, come with me" she smiled and i quickly shook my head. "no it's okay i'm just going to wait until later" i gave her a small fake smile. "no come on!" she smiled and pulled my arm after her into the house.

"look who i found outside" she announced as soon as she opened the door. billie was sitting next to finease on the couch and her eyes widened once she saw me. "h-hey" i stuttered and looked down.

"hey lei. what are you doing here?" billie asked in shock. "i uh i just wanted to see what these meetings were all about" i struggled to get out, then went to sit beside her so how she was in the middle of finease and i.

i stayed quiet majority of the time, looking up and smiling a few times then going back to play with my fingers.

-

after the meeting everyone stayed and talked for awhile and i went upstairs as soon as laura had finished talking, dismissing myself from the group. after a few minutes billie came into her room while i was laying down on my phone.

she closed the door and just stared at me in silence for a minute. "what made you come here?" she sighed and sat on the bed infront of me.

"i wanted to talk to you? we haven't had a proper talk in almost two weeks and i missed you" i squinted while sitting up. "that's not my problem" she shrugged and looked down checking her phone. "so what are you saying it's mine" with a slight raise in my tone. "i didn't say that, i just said it's not my problem." she said with an attitude

"i'm your girlfriend and you not communicating with me should be your problem" i stood up to get in front of her. billie just gave me a blank stare, not caring about a word i was saying.

"what's your problem?!" i got closer to her face and yelled. "fuck alaia! leave it alone!" she screamed and shoved me back. i stumbled back into the wall, and stayed there in shock.

billie just stared at me, i don't think she realized what she just did. "yea maybe this was a mistake" i chuckled and went to walk out the room. "what's that supposed to mean?" she grabbed my arm pulling me back into the room. "don't fucking put your hands on me billie." i warned and pulled my arm away from her.

"what do you mean this was a mistake" she squinted and crossed her arms. "look at us billie! this isn't healthy" i pointed back and forth between us.

"nobody told you to come here! i needed space!" she screamed "i wasn't! i was leaving then your mom made me come in! and don't you think two weeks was enough fucking space!" i yelled as loud as i could, my voice breaking at the end of it. tears began to pool in the rim of my eyes.

"i was coming to talk to you and when i noticed all the cars i went to leave and was going to wait until later until your mom came out her car and brought me in here. so don't put the fucking blame on me!" anger fumed my body. i was mad but even more hurt at the fact that she was acting so hastily towards me.

"so what are you breaking up with me?" she muttered. "i didn't say that billie" i sighed, running my hands through my hair and walking towards the bed again. "why are you so mad at me? i'm not understanding, is this all because i said i wasn't going on tour with you?" i began to raise my voice again. "stop fucking assuming shit." she groaned

"is it?" i asked again and she stayed quiet. "exactly." i laughed. "this is crazy! and you want to know what's even crazier? i was coming to tell you i was going to go with you and quit modeling, but shit i don't even want to be in the same room as you for more than a fucking minute!" i screamed and her eyes widened.

"you wanted to come?" she asked in an agitated manner. "of course. but not anymore, i need time billie" a tear escaped my eye and i was still in shock that she would ever put her hands on me.

"i think we should break up b" i sighed and grabbed her hands. "no no no no. no alaia." she started to cry "billie i can't keep doing this back and forth shit with you, it's killing me. i can't keep not talking to you for weeks because you need space. i need communication! i need a girlfriend who doesn't just care about her wants and needs but mine to! i need you to be in it for me too. so do yourself a favor and take all the space you need then you can text me when you're ready." i cried and walked out of the bathroom.

i heard her behind me but i didn't turn around, i kept walking to the door with my head down avoiding the looks from everyone else in the living room. right as i reached the front door no heard billie from the bottom of the steps. "please don't do this lei" i turned around with tears still streaming down my face, then walked out the house closing the door behind me.