i forgive you (y/ns pov)

Chapter 9: Give me one good reason

[Trigger warning: Death, grief and depression]

I woke up early next morning. At some point I somehow must have managed to get up from the floor and put myself to bed. I looked over to the window to find a slowly rotting once white rose next to my sisters picture. She didn't deserve that. Maybe I should have taken that stupid rose that Barnes brought.

No way.

I shook my head annoyed at my own thoughts.

No! Barnes didn't deserve to be this close to my sister, to be part of her memorial.

I turned around, away from the sunlight, from my sister, from the rotting flower. I moaned while I pulled the covers over my ears. There were still a few rose petals on the ground near the door. Steves words still echoed in my mind. I've known him for years. But this side... this ugly, spiteful side... I've never seen him like that. It still frightened me.

An hour passed of me just lying in my bed repeating what had happened the day before over and over again in my head, before I eventually got up to use the restroom. After washing my hands, I rinsed some water over my face. I had dark circles around my eyes, they still looked puffy and red. But I didn't care. I didn't plan on leaving my bedroom anyways.

As I made my way back to my bed, I heard a loud knock on my door. I didn't answer and fell flat down on my bed, face forward.

The door went open and in came Tony.

„Don't even pretend you're not hearing me. JARVIS told me that little miss sleeping beauty finally got up."

„You even watch me while I'm sleeping?", I mumbled, not moving my face up from the bed.

Before I could realize what was happening, Tony had already grabbed me and pulled me up, putting me straight to my feet.

„Listen, grumpy cat. I know what you're trying to do. But sulking won't get you out of this house arrest. I get that you're really annoyed. BUT I have some great news for you!"

Tony was in a fantastic mood. One of these moods where it made absolutely no sense to interrupt him because he would do what he wanted anyways. So I gave up protesting and just listened to what he had to say.

„First of all Natasha and – even more important to you – Sam are finally returning to the compound today", he started.

I can't lie. That actually was great news. Out of all the Avengers, Sam definitely was the closest I ever had to a family. He had been my partner in most of my missions. We had been through some serious shit together. Yet, once we came home, both of us always already had planned the next pranks to pull on everybody.

He was my best friend.

And I definitely missed him this past week. I was convinced things would have never escalated as far as they did had only he been here.

„And secondly in even better news, I have a huge surprise for you to finally get you in a better mood", he bragged.

His excitement got me curious, but I was quickly disappointed.

„We're hosting a huge party tomorrow night to celebrate the team finally being reunited!"

A party? He couldn't be serious.

What on earth made him think that I would go on a party pretending to be all happy and excited to be back when in reality I was a fucking hostage of the Avengers, imprisoned against their own will. There was no fucking way!

„You can't be serious about that", I said.

„Don't be such a party pooper", he joked.

But I wasn't up for this bullshit. I went straight to my door, opened it and made it clear that I wanted him to leave.

„A little party never killed nobody."

I sighed: „Tony, please. I'm tired. I'm fucking tired. I'm tired of fighting, tired of acting tough, tired of pretending. I'm falling apart. Just leave me alone."

Tony refused to go:
„Come on. We're gonna put you in a cute little dress and after a few drinks and good music we'll have you back to normal in no time."

„Don't you get it, Tony? There is no normal anymore. This is fucking hell! Why can't you see that?"

I got emotional.

„Every minute I'm held here is fucking torture. For me, nothing has been normal since the day she died but you all act like nothing ever happened. Did you ever ask yourself why I did what I did back then? I couldn't take this anymore! None of it. But now that I'm back things even got so much worse! Everyone in this fucking building turns on me. You forgot about me and replaced me so easily. I didn't return! I was threatened to come back. And now I am a hostage punished by electric shocks! Why would I wanna celebrate that? Give me one good reason!"

I wanted to cry.

I wanted to scream.

I wanted to let all these emotions out.

But I couldn't.

I was so tired of it all that I couldn't even cry about it anymore.

„Just one good reason", I repeated.

He failed to give me any reason at all.

„Have fun at your party, Tony. Celebrate that Sam and Natasha are back. Be happy for their success. But leave me out of that", I begged.

Tony got silent. There still was so much weight on his shoulders, still so much left to say. But apparently there were no right words for this moment. After a few moments of silence, he sadly nodded his head, accepting that he lost this battle and he slowly made his way towards me.

Right in front of me he stopped and looked me straight in the eyes.

„You know it always hurt me to see you like that."

I broke his stare.
„It would have been nice to know that earlier, Tony."

Defeated he exhaled and finally left my room.