i forgive you (y/ns pov)

Chapter 11: I have nowhere to run to

[trigger warning: suicide, suicidal thoughts, death and grief]

I waited until it was quiet at the compound the next evening. Everyone had left the living area in small groups to head down to the party. Though there was a lot going on, Tony had already planned and organized everything and Sam had convinced everyone that a little fun time would be the perfect distraction for them.

I looked down to the bottle of whiskey in my hand. Earlier that day while people were busy prepping everything for the party, I stole it from the huge amount of different drinks and bottles Tony had ordered and snuck it into my room.

At this point the bottle was already half empty. Uncontrollable, tears ran over my face.

A few years ago I would have loved to go to the party. I would have danced the night away, cracking jokes, making new friends. I always loved to party. The music, the people, the untamed excitement because you could never know what would happen at these parties. I loved to flirt and would always put up bets with Natasha or the guys, challenging who would get the most phone numbers during the night.

I missed the old me.

She was confident and beautiful, she was charming and funny. Everyone loved to be around her and she made it so easy for everyone to be friends with her. She was easy going. She had everything.

But that girl was long gone.

I chugged some alcohol down my throat.

My head was a dark place and it got darker by the minute.

I tried.

I tried so fucking hard.

But no matter what I did, I just couldn't escape this darkness.

And being locked up in this room definitely didn't help. It had me suffocating. I needed to get out! I needed fresh air to breathe again!

---

Once I reached the rooftop of the compound I felt a fresh breeze brush through my hair. It was a beautiful, starry night. I climbed up on the ledge of the roof, looked up to sky, spread my arms, the bottle still in my hand, closed my eyes and inhaled as much cold air as I could.

For a split second I was free.

„Don't do anything stupid, y/l/n."

Barnes voice pierced through the silence of the night.

„Don't worry, Barnes", I said slowly turning around to him with a fake smile and tears all over my face. „Even if I wanted to, I couldn't."

Slowly he moved towards me.

„They wouldn't even let me rest in peace, these fucking Avengers!", I yelled out into the night.

„I don't understand", he said calmly.

„Of course you don't", I said taking another sip from my bottle.

„I hate this! I hate all of this so much! And I'm fucking tired of it all. And damn you, I wanted to end it...", I kept yelling.

„But they wouldn't even let me do that. Even if I wanted to... Wanda set up a blockade in my head. Did you know she could do that?"