i forgive you (y/ns pov)

Chapter 17: Recovery is a process

 „Come on! Don't give up on me already. Let's start with some easy stretching and strength training", Sam was really giving it his all to motivate me.

„I know you've never been a fan of training but especially after that leg injury, we have to get you back on track. You've got this, little bird."

How could I say no to someone so ridiculous?

A couple of weeks had passed since that last mission at the signal tower.
The only times I had left my room was for the physiotherapy Bruce had ordered for me to attend. Everyday the physiotherapist came in and although at first I wasn't really thrilled about it, it did really help the recovery process. The shot wound had been healing much faster than originally anticipated. Once I was finally cleared to go back to a regular training schedule, Sam told me he – instead of Barnes – would be my new training partner.

Actually I hadn't seen Barnes since the day of that last panic attack.

That night was still kind of blurry in my mind but I knew that he had been there to help me. I remembered thinking of my sister and as all went dark, suddenly there was him. He held me for a long time, ran me a bath and even cleaned my wounds as I wasn't able to look at them at all. I didn't understand why it was him of all people who would be there. I didn't understand why I let him help me. I didn't understand why I let him in so close.

But I did know that I was actually thankful for what he did...

„Yo, girl, where is your mind? Focus!", Sam interrupted my thoughts.

He fixed my posture and reminded me of how important it was to stretch. Especially after the injury. We couldn't risk messing anything up. I would never admit it in front of him, but he was right and I knew that. It only took a few more seconds before he started his next highly entertaining motivational speech. That dude would never chill. He put on a funny music playlist and had me stretch even more.

Finally we went over to the treadmill.

„We're gonna start with you walking. Walk at your own pace, but take it a few miles. Let's see how far we can go."

„And you're just gonna stand next to me and make snarky comments?", I teased.

„I could run on the treadmill next to you if that's okay with you."

Sam was very careful. He even had the whole gym blocked for our training and I was very happy about that. I usually felt stupid training with the Avengers. I knew I wasn't unathletic, but next to them I looked like an absolute beginner. But right now I was an absolute beginner. Besides I would have never been able to focus on myself.

„Go at your own pace. But if you feel uncomfortable or whatever – it's okay to stop. We want you to get fit in no time, but remember..."

„Pain is pain", I finished his mantra and we both started to giggle.

Things were always easy with Sam.

„Here is what we're gonna do: We're gonna stretch, we're gonna walk, we're gonna work on your balance and after that we're gonna have you work on your arm and back muscles. At least for now. Once you're cleared for more, we're gonna work on your combat skills but that's for another day."

„My combat skills?", I questioned.

„Sure. So next time you're the one kicking asses and not the one getting kicked", Sam teased.

„You think they're gonna let me go on another mission?"

„Why wouldn't they? I mean... Yeah, the last two missions didn't exactly go as planned but in the end, you always did what you were told to do. As far as I'm aware they are actually holding these missions back for you guys. Also... Surprisingly you didn't even try to kill Bucky."

„Yeah, I know", I huffed.

Sam didn't ask about Barnes. I knew he was friends with that guy and he knew I hated him. Usually we tried to avoid this topic.

„Wait... Does that mean you're gonna stay my training partner?"

„I think so", Sam said as he got off his treadmill to check on how I was doing.

„Fury called me in the other day and asked me to work on a training plan for you and told me to start training with you. I guess the recovery of your leg is too important to let you two handle this by yourself."

„You think so?", I chuckled.

„You wouldn't even have entered the gym if he'd asked you to do so."

„Not even if he begged me on his knees", I laughed.

I finally got off the treadmill and followed Sams training plan as good as humanly possible but in the end the injury still had me struggling.

„Don't worry. Recovery is a process, not a miracle. You need to give yourself time. Trust me, little bird."

The best thing about this recovery process was that it did actually cost me all my energy. With the training with Sam and the physiotherapy I was completely drained at the end of the day. So I spent most of my time in bed sleeping the sore muscles off or taking it slow while reading a few books.

Recovery was exhausting and it left me with no energy at all to get lost in my own thoughts.

A familiar knock on the door woke me from my nap after training. I got out of bed, went to my door to find a tray with dinner, a bottle of water, a glass and a few new books at my doorstep. I picked it up and placed it on my desk before I made my way back to the door. Before the injury, I used to pick the tray up and shut the door behind me immediately. Currently I struggled a little with my balance so I put the tray down before walking back to the door to close it.

Lost in my thoughts I suddenly caught my gaze stuck on Barnes door. His room was right across mine. Last time I had seen Barnes was on the night of the panic attack and somehow that thought felt strange. After being stuck with that guy, it felt weird not to see him at all anymore. Not that I was missing him. Hell, no. The first night back at the compound I told him to back off and leave me alone. But that hadn't stopped him from finding a way to constantly sneak around.

God knows what would have happened during the panic attack, hadn't he found me and saved me from myself.

After a few hours of absent crying that night, Barnes had ran a bath for me and I remembered that while I was taking the bath I was so fucking torn because I couldn't decide whether I would be relieved or disappointed had he left. In the end I was glad to find him still sitting at my desk. I walked up to him with disinfectant and bandages and asked for his help because I just couldn't take another look at the wounds and bruises. Without any complaints he cleaned everything up and put new bandages on and around everything.

That was the last time I had seen him. I was so broken and vulnerable that night and somehow the thought of that being the last time he saw me, still had me feeling broken and vulnerable.