i forgive you (y/ns pov)

Chapter 14: I'm sorry, Tony

I got nervous when Barnes walked into the conference room.

Tony had called me in a little earlier to ask if I was up to work on that mission with Barnes again. After we found out that something was obviously going on in the old subway tunnels, they had the mission expanded. Our primary goal would be to gather as much information as possible to somehow figure out who we were dealing with. I agreed so Tony called Barnes to join the meeting.

A few days had passed since our first mission, which I had spent exclusively in my room. I was too exhausted to deal with anyone but myself. And, to be honest, at times I couldn't even handle myself.

When Barnes entered the conference room, I got nervous. He had been on my mind constantly the past few days. The way he treated me the first day, the rose, the conversation on the roof, the mission. I was locked with that guy. But somehow the Barnes in my head was a different person than the Barnes that walked in. As soon as I saw him, my stomach turned and anger started to fog my mind again. I couldn't help myself. I unconsciously bared my teeth when I saw him.

Tony must have seen me tense up because he quickly and without any hesitation put up a holographic 3D map of the tunnel system.

„This is the latest map we could find of the tunnels", he began to explain.

„The map is already a few years old so we doubt that it is up to date. Aside from that we don't know how long they have been operating down there. They probably had more than enough time to expand the system further. I agree with your assessment that it would take us forever to locate their base unless we first figure out how big their system actually is."

„So we're gonna do a few more exploration tours?", Barnes asked.

Tony zoomed in on one of the buildings on the map:
„This is where you will start. It is the building where the old signal box was placed. It will give us a good overview of what we're dealing with."

The mission was easy.

We would scan the signal tower and try to find out how many tunnels they had already taken control over. Besides we would have to gather as much information as possible. No entering the tunnels, no further exploration, just the signal tower. Afterwards we would have to return to the compound and deliver any gathered information to S.H.I.E.L.D. They then would let us know how to proceed from there.

I knew my only way out of this stupid house arrest was to succeed at the missions they put Barnes and me on, so I decided to fully focus on that.

I carefully listened to all the instructions Tony gave us, studied the map and reread the file a few times.

„When do we start?", Barnes asked.

„Early hours tomorrow", Tony stated.

Barnes nodded his head.

„That's all", he said to end the meeting.

„Unless you still have questions."

They both looked over to me because I was still lost in my thoughts. I looked up.

„Do you have a minute for me, Tony? In private."

Without any comment, Barnes took his file and left the room. He even closed the door behind him as Tony sat down next to me.

„I know you wanted to help..." I stuttered.

He didn't understand and I had my problems, putting my thoughts into words. So I took a minute and started over again.

„Your party last week. I know you just wanted to help, but..."

„It was too much, I get that now. I don't know. I was thinking about the old y/n –"

I interrupted him immediately: „She's gone, Tony."

He looked at me in shock.

„The old y/n, she's gone. And she's not coming back. I tried. I tried so hard to get her back. But it's just not working. I'm sorry, Tony."

He grabbed my hands in total loss of words.

„I miss her."
I started tearing up.
„But I can't be who you all want me to be so desperately. And I'm sorry."

„Don't be", he whispered.

„We will find our way through this. Together.", he promised.

He knew I had never been good at apologizing but he did understand what I was trying to say. And that was enough.