i forgive you (y/ns pov)

Chapter 16: You should have left me to die

[trigger warning: panic attacks, self harm, blood, death, grief]

I woke up to the sound of a constant beeping.

At first my eyes were still heavy. I finally opened them to find myself in the hospital room at the compound. I sighed.

„Hey, there you are", a soft voice whispered.

Clint sat by my bedside, an encouraging smile on his face.

„You've got us all worried. I'm glad you're back."

He took my hand in his and caressed my palm carefully.

„What happened?"

I could barely speak so Clint got up to bring me some water that he helped me drink carefully. He put down the water on the bedside table and sat back down.

„As per usual you had to be a little extra. Not only did you try jumping out from the fourth floor, but you also got shot. The bullet went straight through your right thigh. You even made it extra thrilling by needing a few blood transfusions. Thank God you were wearing that bulletproof vest. You probably would have been shot a few more times otherwise."

„It can't have been that bad if you're already joking about it again", I said trying to give him a smile.

„We've been taking turns watching over you. You had us all right on the edge the past three days."

My eyes were still heavy.

„I'm gonna let the team know you're back. Bruce is gonna be here soon. You should try to rest a little more", he suggested as I was already falling back asleep.

Another two days later Bruce finally let me walk out of that hospital room.

Besides the obvious shot wound, I had a few ribs broken from hitting the ground, a few sprains from the fight and some cuts from jumping through the window. My whole body was covered in bruises.

At last I looked as broken on the outside as I've been feeling on the inside all along.

I found a folder on my desk – the file. The last time Barnes had filled out the report after the mission. This time he had no idea what went down in the tower. I hated writing reports but the sooner I got it over with, the better. So I sat down and started documenting.

I only paused to reflect on the conversation I had with the attacker. I wrote it off as nonsensical banter that was meant to buy me some time.

What I said wasn't important as it wasn't the truth anymore.

I pulled up my left leg up on to the chair and pulled it as close to my body as i possibly could. I rested my head on my knee.

For months I had been scheming on how I would avenge my sisters death and how much he deserved to suffer. But the truth was: He didn't. Because even if he was dead, if I did actually watch him slowly bleed to death, as I said that day, it wouldn't change a thing. My sister would still be dead and I would still be broken. Watching him suffer or die could never ease the pain I was feeling. That was the painful truth I had to come to terms with.

I finished writing the report but stayed in my position for quite some time, wandering off with my mind.

As it got late, I decided that it was finally time for a shower.

I got up and started to get undressed in front of the full body mirror in my room. Slowly I took of my shirt. Partly because I still wasn't able to move very quickly, partly because I was afraid of the image my reflection was painting. Before I even found the courage to look down on my body, I got stuck staring at my own face. It looked horrible. In front me I found nothing but the ghost of a woman.

Pale skin, chapped lips, dark circles, faded eyes. Ugly cuts and a black eye. No spark left whatsoever.

My eyes wandered further down my body. My neck, my collar bone, my cleavage. A sports bra was covering my breast, my whole stomach was bandaged. Before I began to unwind it carefully, I ran my fingers over the bandage. Slowly I removed it. Layer by layer. I felt my heart beating faster and my hands getting unsteady.

Finally I reached my flesh and let the bandage slowly run through my fingers and sink to the ground. My reflection revealed what I had been feeling all along.

I started crying at the sight of the bruises the shots had left. Because of the vest, the bullets didn't actually come through. But the pressure they put on my body still left ugly marks. With shaking hands I touched the marks and an unbearable pain filled my whole body. I felt the warm embrace of my blood running over my fingers, as my nails dug deep into my flesh. I couldn't stop but tare myself apart.

I screamed at the images of my sister that appeared in my mind. How she started trembling, tumbling backwards after the three bullets bit through her stomach the day she died and ripped her whole body apart. I watched her eyes turn dark as everything around me faded into black.

Next thing I knew was this voice.

„Please, y/n. Put down the glass before someone gets hurt."

My body was shaking and there was a sharp pain and an overwhelming heat in my right hand.

I heard myself screaming:
„Please, don't hurt me!"

„I'm not going to hurt you. No one is. Please..."

Everything around me was blurry, I was tumbling.

„Leave me alone!", I heard myself yelling yet again.

„Listen to my voice, y/n", the voice demanded.

It slowly came closer.

„Y/n, you are safe. You're home in the Avengers compound. We are all here. Everything is gonna be okay."

Finally I looked into his steel blue eyes.

I looked around in sheer panic. I was still in my room but everything felt so unreal. I was pressed against the wall by my bed, holding a large shard of glass that cut through my palm and fingers. My breathing was out of control and for a moment I couldn't move my hand.

„Bucky... help me...", I whimpered.

„Just focus on my voice, y/n", he said as he slowly got closer, reached his hands out and put them around my face.

„You are safe. I'm here."

I realized there was a huge cut on his left cheek. In terror I looked over to my right hand still clinging to the glass.

„Look at me", he said with a soft voice.

Finally I led go of the shard.

Tears filled my eyes when I looked back at him.

Relieved he smiled: „Hey, there you are again."

His hands left my cheeks and slid down my neck until they finally rested on my shoulders. I bursted out in tears and fell down. Barnes caught me, carefully sitting us both down on the ground. He didn't let go off me and I didn't want him to. I surrendered into his embrace and just let him hold me.

He tried to sooth me: „Shh, everything's okay. You're safe."

Overwhelmed by guilt, fear and grief, I was ready to give up.

„You should have left me to die..."

„Never", he whispered. He gave me a kiss on the forehead and tightened his embrace.