So Little Time (Frerard)

10: The Road To Acceptance

Frank stayed there on the floor with Gerard until his sobs had ebbed enough to allow him to breathe properly; he never stopped stroking Gerard's hair or murmuring soft words of encouragement into his ear, and finally, Gerard managed to force back the last dredges of his ill-timed panic attack.

"You okay baby?" Frank asked when he noticed the fact that Gerard's tears had stopped.

"Yeah...I'm so sorry, I feel so stupid," Gerard choked out, curling up against Frank's side in an attempt to hide his face from Frank's prying gaze.

"Gee...you aren't stupid, and you know that." Frank cooed, brushing Gerard's hair back from his forehead so he could get a better glimpse of his red eyes.

"I am...fuck - I ruined your talk with your mom," Gerard choked out, sitting up slightly so he could wipe his eyes with a shaking hand.

"No you didn't, and even if you had...I don't care. I just wish you had told me you were feeling this way, I don't want you to have to suffer through these attacks alone," Frank chastised Gerard softly, helping him brush away a few tears he had missed.

"I didn't think I was going to have one, I just - I can't think about you dying without feeling like I'm the one who is, and even the thought of you talking with your mom set me off..." Gerard admitted softly.

"Oh love...I'm so sorry - I hate this, and I hate the fact that I'm hurting you, even if I'm not meaning to, but it's going to be okay - you will be okay."

"I don't - I can't...Frank, I can't lose you. I'm not ready, I will never be ready, but this is too soon, and I don't know what to do," Gerard wailed softly.

Frank worried his lower lip in-between his teeth, trying to find the right words to comfort Gerard, but they continued to elude him. Frank had mostly come to terms with his condition, and the fact that he was dying wasn't nearly as terrifying to think of as it had been the first time he had heard the diagnosis, but he couldn't help but feel guilty for what it was doing to Gerard.

Because in a way, Frank felt like he had it easy, even though he was the one with the brain tumor, because in the end, Frank would go somewhere else; he wasn't sure where, but he chose to believe that it would be somewhere he would be happy and free of pain.

But Gerard wouldn't, Gerard would be stuck here, forced to live on without Frank, and that just didn't seem fair at all. Frank remembered how much Elena's death had hurt Gerard, and he didn't want to cause him to feel those same emotions, but there was nothing he could do besides help Gerard believe that he could carry on without him.

Frank was worried though, worried that Gerard would give up once he was gone, worried that Gerard wouldn't have anyone there with him to stop him from slipping back into old habits, and Frank was trying to think of a plan to make sure that Gerard was watched over when he could no longer do it.

When Frank had met Gerard, he had been pretty fucked up, and even though he had come leaps and bounds since then, Frank was terrified that his death would be the catalyst that would bring Gerard's old demons back to haunt him.

Frank shuddered slightly when he remembered the old Gerard, because it wasn't a pleasant thing to think about. Even though Frank had still loved Gerard, even then, he hated the way Gerard was drunk more often than not, and he still remembered the bile that had risen in his throat the first time he had seen Gerard's scarred arms.

Frank understood that Gerard battled with his mind constantly, but he hadn't back then, and it had broken his heart that when he learned that Gerard resorted to these things just to escape himself for a short time. Frank was shocked when he finally discovered Gerard's secret, but he wasn't repulsed, and he made it his mission to help Gerard love himself as much as Frank loved him.