So Little Time (Frerard)

17: Who Will Remember Your Last Goodbye

Frank made it two more weeks before everything came crashing down, which was two weeks longer than his original estimate for living had been, and even though Gerard wished he could say those two weeks were the best of Frank's life, and everything was happy and magical, and his eminent death was a tiny shadow lurking in the background - it wasn't, and even though Gerard didn't want to lose Frank, seeing him suffer was more heart wrenching than he could ever have imagined.

Frank's vision did not improve over time as Gerard had hoped - if anything, it got worse, and Frank found himself forced to rely on Gerard for almost everything, from getting dressed to walking, and even though Frank never said the words, Gerard could sense how much he hated it.

Gerard didn't blame him for his frustration, because Frank could never stand being helpless, even before he was sick, he refused to let Gerard do anything for him; he never wanted help with his father, or his problems at home, but now he had no choice, and Gerard didn't know what to do to make this any easier for him.

Gerard could tell that Frank despised the need to call for Gerard whenever he wanted something, fuck - he even had to have Gerard help him into the bathroom so he didn't trip and hurt himself, and even though Gerard did everything he could to let Frank function on his own, he even tried simply talking Frank through the obstacles surrounding him so he could navigate them on his own, Frank quickly grew frustrated and sullen, and Gerard had no idea how to cheer up his ailing boyfriend.

And maybe if it was just the blindness, they could have worked past it, they could have found ways to help Frank become more independent, maybe even procured him a seeing eye dog, but once the loss of coordination began to set in, making something as simple as standing up difficult, Frank seemed to give up completely, spending most of his time in bed unless Gerard dragged him out of it, and Gerard lost count of the times he awoke in the middle of the night to the sound of Frank's bitter sobs.

Gerard never knew what to say when Frank cried anymore, so he didn't try to soothe him with pointless falsities, instead, he simply held him, rocking his frail body back and forth as they cried together, and eventually, Frank would drift back off, his damp face pressed against Gerard's chest as his breathing evened out and his expression transformed into one of peace.

Gerard had taken Frank back to the doctor after he had collapsed trying to walk across the kitchen one afternoon, but there was nothing any medicine could do for Frank now, the doctor's only advice was to leave Frank in hospice, to which Frank still stubbornly refused.

Frank's tumor was literally breaking him apart, and even though he was trying to fight it, it was a pointless battle, and Frank seemed to finally realize that, so he had stopped struggling, and it was left to Gerard to continue to encourage Frank to hold on, to push through all of these terrible things for as long as he could, but fuck - it was so hard, and no matter what Gerard said or did, that desolate cast of hopelessness never quite left Frank's eyes anymore.

Gerard though his own problems would increase as Frank began to deteriorate, but he actually found the opposite happening. With Frank needing all of Gerard's attention, he found himself too busy to focus on his own feelings of self-loathing, and even when he was alone, half of his attention was always on Frank, his ears straining for any sound of him calling Gerard's name, his body occupied by other things, and by the time night fell, Gerard was so exhausted that sleep overwhelmed him before his fucked up mind had a chance to kick in.

Today had been better than most though, an unexpected visit from Frank's mother had seemed to brighten Frank's mood considerably, and Mikey had promised to stop by again on Friday as well. He had been down here more often than not, even bringing their parents and Pete with him last weekend, and the company seemed to drag Frank out of his misery for a short time.