So Little Time (Frerard)

13: All My Walls Are Built And On Display

Frank bandaged up Gerard's arm with shaking hands, ignoring his quiet mutters about how he could do it himself, because Frank had to do this small thing. He had been too late to stop Gerard from hurting himself, so the least he could do was fix him up, especially since it had most likely been his fault that Gerard had been feeling this way.

Frank felt like such a fucking idiot for not noticing Gerard's distress sooner, because even though he obviously knew Gerard was upset about his condition, he had no idea that he was this broken up inside, but he should have been expecting this - he should have been able to stop Gerard. It didn't matter that he was sick, or asleep - Frank still felt like a failure who had abandoned Gerard when he needed him most.

Gerard hadn't even tried to wake him up - no, he had turned to Mikey instead, and even though Frank was glad that he had reached out to someone, he was slightly hurt that he hadn't been Gerard's first choice, and it had taken Mikey's phone call for him to even be aware of the dangerous situation Gerard was in.

Fighting back tears, Frank finished cleaning Gerard's wounds, wrapping a stretch of gauze around them so he wouldn't bleed all over the sheets. Gerard's cuts were deep, deeper than they had been in quite some time, and Frank's stomach was churning violently as he tied off Gerard's bandage.

There was a hundred things Frank wanted to say to Gerard, but he couldn't seem to pick one out of his brain and force it past his tongue, and he was almost positive that he wouldn't be able to form words without bursting into tears or screaming obscenities, so instead, he held out his hand to Gerard, helping him off the cold tile floor before leading him back into the bedroom.

Frank stripped off his bloodstained shirt angrily, not wanting to look at the reminder of what had just occurred in the bathroom without his knowledge, tossing it into the corner without even attempting to hit the laundry basket. Gerard sent Frank an apologetic look before taking off his own shirt, which had a few splotches of crimson on it as well, but instead of remaining bare chested like Frank had, he rummaged around in the closet for a bit, returning with a long sleeved sweater to cover up what he had just done.

"Frank - I'm sorry," Gerard murmured once he was finished changing, his gazed fixed down at his feet instead of at Frank.

"I know...just -" Frank trailed off as a sob caught in his throat, and he had to physically swallow it back down before he broke completely.

This just hurt so fucking much, and Frank didn't know what he could possibly do to help Gerard when he was the source of his sorrow. Frank's presence was slowly poisoning Gerard, and what he had just done was proof of it, because if Frank wasn't here, Gerard wouldn't have hurt himself, at least, that was how it seemed to Frank.

"Frank...please don't cry," Gerard begged, but it was too late, and tears began to stream down Frank's cheeks as he lost the internal war he was waging with himself. "I'm so sorry, and I hate that I made you upset, but I'm just a fuck up...and I - I'm so scared, and I'm trying to be strong for you, but it's hard..." Gerard whimpered.

"Fucking hell Gee...you aren't a fuck up, and I'm not even crying because of what you did, even though I hate it - don't get me wrong, but I don't understand why you didn't fucking wake me up," Frank snapped, even though he knew raising his voice wasn't going to help anything, but Frank was hurting, not to mention sick and tired, and he lost control of his temper before he could stop himself.

Gerard visibly flinched at Frank's harsh tone, which only succeeded in making Frank feel like the world's shitiest boyfriend, but it was too late to take back his actions, and Frank's frustration at himself only caused him to cry that much harder.