So Little Time (Frerard)

16: Brother If You Have The Time To Pick Me Up

Gerard was so tired of this hospital: the white walls that hurt his eyes, the strange smell which was a combination of bleach and some shitty air freshener, the fake reassuring smiles, the sight of Frank lying against stark white sheets that made him look even sicker than he was, Gerard hated every second of it, but unfortunately, there was no escaping it.

Frank was still alive - thank fuck, but he wasn't recovering, he wasn't getting any better, not that he was ever supposed to, but Gerard couldn't stop hoping that their next visit would yield an unexpected result, and he would hear the doctor exclaim in surprise when he found that Frank's tumor had miraculously shrunken away to nothing, but of course that hadn't happened.

The tumor hadn't moved Frank's brain though - not yet anyway, and that 'yet' was what was killing Gerard, because they had dodged the bullet this time, but one day soon, there would be no avoiding it, and it would rip through their perfect life together, bringing agony and eternal loneliness in its wake, the shrapnel spiraling outwards in a never ending wave of ruination that was sure to bring Gerard to his knees with the force of it, if not to his grave.

They had escaped this time though, Frank's pain being brought on by a large amount of fluid surrounding the tumor, which the doctor had managed to successfully drain away, but Frank's time was fading fast, and Gerard had been advised to leave Frank in the hospital until the end, whenever that was, so they could keep him doped up on morphine and whatever else they had pumping through his IV, but Gerard didn't want Frank's last days to be spent here, not unless that's what he wanted.

Gerard was truly at a loss for what to do now, this recent episode making reality hit home harder than ever before. Each time Gerard thought he had accepted Frank's condition, he found himself proven wrong, and he was really getting tired of all of this, the ups and downs, the highs and lows - it was too much, and Gerard wished he could just pick a side and stick with it, but that obviously wasn't going to happen.

Whenever he closed his eyes, Gerard saw Frank's small form wracked with pain, his hands clutching at his head weakly as he cried for Gerard to make it stop, and Gerard wanted it to, but only death would end this for Frank, and fuck - that just wasn't fair at all.

He didn't have long now, and Gerard knew that, even before the doctor had informed him that they would be lucky if Frank lived a few more weeks, and although that was a much wider time frame than he had originally been given, it wasn't enough, it would never be enough, and even though the last thing Gerard wanted was for Frank to suffer, he couldn't lose him either - not yet.

At least Frank wasn't hurting at the moment, well - Gerard prayed that he wasn't, the drugs in his system had knocked him out cold, and he had been sleeping peacefully for quite some time now. Gerard's gaze hadn't moved from his chest, timing the rise and fall of his breaths to make sure that he didn't slip away while Gerard was caught unaware.

"Gee..." Mikey's voice seemed to come from a great distance, and honestly, Gerard had almost forgotten his brother was in the room with him, he had been so lost in his own little world of pity and sorrow that everything else had slipped his mind.

"Hmm?" Gerard hummed noncommittally, not sure if he was up to speaking just yet, in case the tears he had been holding at bay for the past few hours finally broke free of the fragile barrier he had erected around his emotions.

"Are you okay?" Mikey asked after a long pause, during which he was presumably searching for something to say to fill the awkward silence, something to cheer Gerard up, something to make this better, even though there was nothing he could do about that at this point.

Gerard felt guilty for dragging Mikey into this, even though it wasn't his fault, or Frank's, but still, Gerard could sense how uncomfortable his younger brother was here, back in this hospital which both of them had hoped to never visit again, back where memories of Elena hung in the air like silent ghosts of days past, days neither of them wanted to remember, but now they were both forced to relive them, as well as add to them.