So Little Time (Frerard)

22: My Guardian Angel Until The Very End

*trigger warning*

Life returned to normal after Frank's funeral, time continued to move forward, summer began to phase into the milder temperatures of fall, children returned to school, happy couples strolled by with their hands entwined, and it all felt so wrong, because Gerard was stuck, stagnating in a perpetual state of mourning that showed no signs of lessening in the near future, and he didn't understand how no one else was even remotely affected by Frank's death.

Gerard was actually angry with everyone for pretending everything was okay, because it wasn't, not even close - fuck, the world should be ending, the apocalypse should have started the second Frank passed away, and yes - Gerard knew he was being ridiculous, but he honestly didn't understand how the earth could continue to turn without Frank in.

It didn't help that he was alone now, with nothing but his memories of Frank to keep him company. Mikey and Pete had returned to New York a few weeks ago, school had started up again after all, and just because Gerard had decided to take a year off didn't mean he expected his brother to stay with him the entire time.

Still, Gerard was lonely; he missed Mikey's presence - hell, he even missed Pete, but although they had invited him to move up to New York with them, Gerard just couldn't - not yet. He wasn't ready to leave the home that he had shared with Frank, no matter how painful staying here was.

Mikey wasn't happy with Gerard's decision, and neither were his parents, but Gerard didn't really care; he was an adult, and he didn't want to burden them with his presence, because they didn't deserve that, and he knew that was all he would be to them in his current state.

Honestly, Gerard didn't want anyone to see him this way, because Gerard may have thought he had been a mess in the week after Frank's death, but now he was barely alive; he hardly slept, he forgot to eat more often than not, he didn't speak with anyone besides the occasional phone call to Mikey, during which he faked a happy tone and tried to convince his brother that he was coping, even though he was anything but - still, Gerard didn't need Mikey to know that, because Mikey couldn't help him now, no one could, except for Frank, and he was lost to Gerard forever.

Gerard was self-harming again; he hadn't wanted to, because he knew Frank would kill him if he was here, but Gerard couldn't help himself. He barely felt anything now that Frank was gone, he didn't even cry anymore, and it wasn't because he didn't want to - fuck, he felt like he should be a sobbing wreck most of time, but he just physically couldn't. His body had numbed itself in some sort of defensive mechanism, and even though it helped in a way, Gerard hated not being able to experience any emotions at all.

But he could feel the blade, the pain, the hot blood running down his wrist, and he needed that, he needed those moments, because without them, he wouldn't be able to release everything that was slowly building up inside of him, but even with his ever increasing sessions with his razor, Gerard was breaking apart piece by piece, and he knew it was only a matter of time before he snapped completely.

Weeks dragged on, but Gerard didn't pay them any mind. Without Frank, Gerard had no purpose in life, and he spent most of his waking moments relieving the past; his dreams were constantly filled with Frank as well, the happy ones almost hurt more than the nightmares of his death, because when Gerard woke up, he was forced to face the fact that it wasn't real, and Frank hadn't been snuggled into his side only moments ago, which usually left him staring at the ceiling until morning, too afraid to fall back asleep and too tired to move.

It was after one such dream that Gerard decided he couldn't do this anymore; Frank had been wrapped in Gerard's arms, their lips brushing against each other in a flurry of tender kisses, and fuck - it had felt so real, and Gerard wanted that sensation back, he needed it. He was nothing without Frank, just a broken, empty version of the man he used to be, and even though he was being selfish, Gerard had lost the will to continue living, he just wanted to be with Frank, and even if killing himself didn't reunite him with his lover, at least this waking nightmare would be over, and maybe Gerard could finally gain the peace that he so desperately craved.