So Little Time (Frerard)

11: All The Fears That We Will Face

Another week passed with nothing terrible happening, quite the opposite actually. Frank's condition didn't seem to deteriorate any further, and the weekly visits to the hospital to drain the fluid from his brain kept away his headaches, so in a way, Frank almost seemed healthier than he had in the past year - at least, that was how Gerard chose to view it.

Despite Frank's rapidly diminishing vision, Frank showed no other signs that he was dying, and maybe it was just because he was finally free from his oppressive father, or maybe he was just excited about living with Gerard, but whatever it was, Gerard hadn't seen Frank this happy since high school.

Everything seemed about as perfect as it could be, considering the situation, and Gerard didn't understand why this couldn't have happened a year ago, back when Frank was still healthy, so they would be able to truly enjoy life without the dark cloud of Frank's condition hanging over everything, but maybe that was just how things worked.

Maybe happiness wasn't free, and something terrible had to happen in order for something amazing to follow, like karma, or something, but whatever the case, Gerard couldn't remember the last time he had seen Frank so alive, which was truly irony in its greatest form.

Frank's mother kept to her word, calling Frank often to check up on him, and even stopping by a few days ago to spend the afternoon with him. Frank was ecstatic about his mother's newfound involvement in his life, and even though Gerard thought it was too little, too late, he had to give her credit for trying.

Somehow, Frank's mother had managed to convince Frank's father to leave him alone, and that in itself was enough to make Gerard forgive her for past grievances. It was such a blessing not to peer over their shoulders when they left the house, and not once had Frank's father attempted to knock on Gerard's door and drag Frank away.

This is what Gerard had always wanted for them; to live together without judgement, to save Frank from the horrors of home and give him a safe place to stay, and now they had that, but not for long, no matter that Frank didn't seem that ill at all.

Gerard knew that Frank wasn't actually getting any better, and even though he was aware that this was just the calm before the storm that would be Frank's death, Gerard chose to enjoy it. These were his last few moments with Frank, and he was more than happy to pretend that everything was okay for as long as he possibly could.

Gerard needed this time with Frank, these final few memories before they weren't able to make any more, and even if Gerard was kept awake at night crying softly when Frank couldn't hear him, that didn't matter, because it would be so much worse when Frank was actually gone, and Frank didn't need to be burdened with Gerard's sorrows when he had so many of his own.

During the day, when Gerard was with Frank, he was genuinely happy, pretty fucking ecstatic actually, because he and Frank had never had so much time to themselves before, and even just watching Frank nap peacefully on the couch filled Gerard with a fuzzy feeling that warmed his insides, and as long as Gerard avoided all thoughts about how little time Frank had left, he was okay.

And yes - Gerard knew he was lying to himself, and he was sinking too deep into the perfect world his mind had created, one where Frank wasn't sick, and everything was wonderful, and only the hours of darkness brought the bitter truth back, but what else was Gerard supposed to do?

It wasn't like he could mope around the entire day sobbing, not when he had Frank to take care of, and appointments to make, and a life to lead, and even though Gerard's existence would cease to mean anything when Frank was gone, he was still here right now, so Gerard had to hold it together as well.

And if he was being honest with himself, Gerard was aware that he truly hadn't accepted Frank's fate, even though he knew that death was following Frank around like a shadow, but still - miracles could happen, and Gerard couldn't quench the small hope that maybe the next time they went to the doctor, the tumor would have shrunk, or something would change, and Frank would find a way to survive this after all.