My Life

Chapter 6: Damn

I guess you could say I'm depressed... I don't really know how that would feel, so all I can say is "I don't know". I mean, I try not to think about it, and I honestly can't think of a reason I always feel like shit, but I can't help it. Don't think that I'm helpless or something like that, because I'm trying to convince myself that I'm not. But sometimes I just can't control my thoughts, and they just end up taunting me until I break down. There were a few times where I just couldn't talk without sobbing. I try to hide it. I try to keep myself from letting the world know how weak and pathetic I really am. Every day, I put on a mask with a smile on it. Most people seem to buy it and think that I'm perfectly fine, but everyone else.... not so much. J seems to help me a lot. He gives me advice from time to time, and I really appreciate it. I wish I could explain how I feel, but... I just can't. It's too painful to even type out. I thought I was miserable in elementary, but now, I feel even worse all the damn time. Have you ever felt like your nothing and like you're better off just disappearing... for everybody. I think that I'm a problem not worthy of being fixed. Yeah, I have friends. I have a family... but I just hear all of these thoughts that overwhelm me sometimes. My own thoughts are telling me things that I just don't want to hear. And for a while, I've been having these dreams--nightmares. These nightmares feel so real... that sometimes I wake up crying, thinking it was real. Some nights, I'm scared to go to sleep, because I have no idea how horrible I will feel the next day. Most nights, I have to scream into my pillow... because I don't want anyone finding out. I don't want to be more of a bother than I already am, and I'll do anything in my power to keep my stupid feelings hidden behind that smiling mask. I'm sure people have it worse. I'm not saying that I have the worst life ever... but it isn't a very good one. And I just don't know what to do... I hate being like this. Every fucking day I feel like I'm just a huge ass mistake. Maybe I am. Who knows?