My Life

Chapter 12: Break Down

Hey everybody. A friend told me that I should write down what I feel when I get like... this. I'm not sure whether I've told you, but before, I used to feel so bad that I would cry and scream... and sometimes I thought about ending everything. Well, as you can see, I never went through with it. Anyways... he thought it would be a good idea to just write everything down until I'm able to say it outloud. He says that it helped him and actually does help. This is hard to do... so bare with me, okay?

Here goes nothing... I know damn well that I am a horrible person... and I try to hide the fact that I just don't care anymore. I try to hide from people who care... and I do push them away... but that's just because I know that they can't help me. And don't start saying that they can... because I know for a fact that they don't even fucking notice. Okay? I push people away because I'm just that kind of person. I know that I'm not helping myself by doing that... but it never works when I try to tell someone. It's like when you open your mouth to scream... but nothing comes out. After a while, I stopped trying to tell someone. It used to tear me apart... but at this point, I really don't give a shit. I deserve it afterall. I mean, I know I'm not perfect... and that I've done things that I can't tell anybody about. Yeah... I deserve it. I mean, others have it a lot worse than me... I know that I'm not the only one going through this, so don't start thinking that I have no idea what others go through and that I'm just thinking about myself... I don't know what's going on in everyone else's life... but I know that mine is full of regret and disgust... But do you know what the fucked up thing is? I don't have any idea the reason why I'm like this. All I know is: I can't exactly change the past... or the way I am... I just have to roll with the fucking punches that life throws at me and hope that I get back up. My life is meaningless... It's not like I have an actual impact on anyone else's life. I bet if I disappeared, no one would actually notice. I've learned that if you stop caring, it won't hurt when life turns for the worse. So I've stopped caring by now. I didn't do this to try making people feel bad for me... or because I had nothing else to write. I did it, because I thought it would help me. Anyways, I'm going to go. Thanks for listening I guess. I don't know how this still help, but it's worth a try... right? Okay... Bye.