My Life

Chapter 21: Fml

I must have written this chapter a thousand times at least, but I've never written enough to call it a chapter. Now, I'm just going to say whatever comes to mind. There's my warning to you. This chapter will be all over the place and pretty random.

It's official. My life has officially hit its down point. I'm going to be totally honest to you guys, I'm not okay. I'm not some superhuman that can easily breeze through everything with no problem... I'm not a child either, but I can't seem to prove that to anyone I want to. I walk through the school halls and feel completely alone, and I don't know how to ask for help. My friends don't seem to realize how close I am to breaking down. Last night, my "parents" sat me down to talk to me. If you're wondering why I used quotation marks, you'll have to keep reading. Anyways, last night they sat me down outside and sent my brothers inside after we got back from eating dinner at a resturant. I was already having a shity day, but my days are always like that now... It's rare that I have a decent day. They started, "Sit down. I want to talk to you," Duayne, my step "father" said. I say down and stared at my mom. I thought about our fight a few weeks ago. Basically, I just faught with Duayne and stayed at my grandparents for a week or so. I just started staying with them again... "We just want to understand why you've been acting up these pass few months." My mom said... I just thought to myself, "If you guys were really worried about how I've been these few months, then you would've asked me about this earlier." Silence. I think they want me to tell them something. In case you're curious, no. I did not tell them about how depressed I've been feeling or how much I've been wanting to see the counselor or how hurt I've been feeling either. I just kept my mouth shut... like always. "Let me see your phone." They said. I was about to punch them...  but I gave them my phone, because I have nothing to hide. I was already pissed at this point. I wanted out. "Who the fuck is this?" Duayne yelled in my face. I honestly didn't know who the fuck he was talking about. "Who?" I looked at the screen. "He's a person I was talking to yesterday." I stated, obviously. "And why are you talking to him? Is this why you wanted to go to JFK?" I looked at my mom, who, again, was just sitting there, watching and listening to him bull shit, with no intention of defending me... but I don't expect that from her anymore. She's never done it... and she never will. I've accepted that already, and I don't think that will ever change. "Just because I talk to someone," I yelled back. I was clearly pissed. "doesn't mean that I'm dating him, okay! That's what you thought I was doing, right? You think that I could possibly meet someone at the place you forced me into?" I was literally screaming at the both for thinking I would even concider that. I've lost interest in most things, dating including. "We didn't say that." He said... but I know for damn sure he was lying. They don't trust me. They say they do, but really, they're just waiting for me to fuck up. "Yeah right." I tried to hold my breath. Believe it or not, I felt nothing. I felt the way I always do... just fine. "Look, Ri." I guess Mom was trying to play the good guy for once. Maybe she wanted to try something new. I don't know... and frankly, I don't care. I've lost interest in getting my mom back. "We just want to know what's wrong with you. For the last month, you haven't been yourself." I was just thinking and thinking about how totally clueless she is. News flash, Mom! I'm not myself! I don't feel like myself! I hate it.... I don't choose to be like this... I just am, and neither you nor your husband has helped me through any of it!!! By this time, I had already clammed up. There was no way of getting me to talk to anyone about anything. I just sat there... hearing their bull shit for an entire hour. I didn't shed a tear, not a single one!... That is... until theg stopped talking for a while. We were just there... sitting and standing in absolute silence. "We just want you back, Rina." My mom's voice cracked. Then, my eyes began to flood with tears. Hearing her say that triggered something... I don't know. I was still furious... sad... and silent. "We just want you back. We want to have fun with you, fool around and laugh, like we used to." I called bull and ran into the house without hearing or saying another word. Do I feel bad? No. Do I care? No... I don't think so. Anyways... I ran straight into thhe bathroom to try and stop myself from crying. Nothing worked. I was ready to end everything... but once again, I have yet to do anything. I went to school today and enjoyed every single bit of it.... not. I hate it there! I hate it there, I hate it at my home, and I hate my life!

Thanx for reading everyone... I don't think I'll be writing ANYTHING for a while.... talk to you all later... Bye.