The Oaths We Keep

Chapter 10

Barnes arrived home about an hour after leaving the station. She flung her jacket on a small armchair next to the door. On the end table, Barnes placed the order of tacos and the soda she picked up from the drive-thru and walked to the bathroom. Returning a minute later, she sat on her sofa and unwrapped the first taco. The food taste wasn't bad, but it wasn't great either.

Her melancholy mood had not improved since she left the station. There was no one to greet her on her arrival. Even the cat from down the street failed to show up tonight. Barnes turned on the television and flipped through the channels several times before settling for a rerun of the Bob Newhart Show. She watched the program while eating two tacos in the bag. The third taco went into the refrigerator, where she was sure it would remain for most of next week before she threw it away.

Deciding to change the channel, Barnes grabbed the remote and went through the lineup again. Almost in frustration, she turned to one of her subscription services. Selecting a show, she sat back, trying to relax. Laura placed her hand on the cushion beside her and discovered the photograph from the Harper residence. At first, she thought little about it, but she soon found herself staring more through the television than at it, so she picked up the photograph.

The photo was still in its brass frame. It depicted Conner and Erin Harper with their children in what looked like a loving picture. She examined the photo like someone trying to dissect the parts of the image and not take in the photograph as a whole. She looked at each person in the picture, and while the body language may have been stiff because of the pose, it held genuine emotion. Subtle things stood out, like how Erin oriented her body toward Conner. His eyes were not looking at the camera but more at his wife. As staged as the photo was, there was no hiding the fact that this family sincerely cared for one another.

As she stared at the photo, her mind wandered to her family. Her mother and father had been married for years, and even as recently as her last visit, they still seemed very much in love with each other. Then, there was her brother in Tulsa. She only saw him twice yearly, but he also had a wife and son. The last time she heard, they were trying for another. She also knew he wanted to return to California. He moved the family to Tulsa about five years ago because of his job, but he wanted to return and was actively looking for something to open up around the area.

A thought crossed her mind that she tried to force back into the recesses of her brain, but tonight, it would not be silent. That thought was of how lonesome she had become. Before, she had never given it much thought. She always assumed that the right man would one day appear, and they would meet, fall in love, marry, and have children. So far, none of her relationships have panned out. Barnes always believed that one day, it would happen. That was before what occurred a few months ago.

Taylor told her to stay back. He told her not to enter the warehouse while confronting the man who killed Davis. Of course, she went inside anyway and, by all accounts, saved Taylor's life, but it nearly cost her own. The man fired at her, tearing away part of her shirt and causing a painful wound. Thankfully, his shot grazed her, but the hurt it caused was far more than physical. What scared her the most was that she left her vest behind in her haste. A rookie mistake that could have gotten her killed. It didn't, and she killed the man before he could try again.

Before this incident, she had never fired her service weapon in action. Nor had someone shot at her with the intent to kill her. The whole thing happened so fast that she only had time to react. Only hours after realizing what had occurred, it sunk into her mind that she had nearly died. Once she got home, she drank heavily, and had it not been for her friend Skylar, she probably would have been far worse off. The next few days were a complete blur, mostly erased by alcohol. She was dried out when she got to her parent's home, but sleep proved complicated.

Her sleep patterns had not improved much since then. Barnes stopped drinking for the most part, but her sleep remained sporadic. Often, her dreams were full of images where the gunman's bullet was on target. She lay on the ground in a pool of blood, conscious but unable to move. The next thing she knew, the coroner stuffed her into a body bag. She watched, unable to scream, as they zipped her into the bag. In an instant, she could see herself lying on an exam table, her skin blued and cold. Suddenly, her eyes opened, usually when she awoke in a cold sweat.

Then there was Davis. Mike Davis wasn't the love of her life by any stretch. The couple only dated for a short time, and there had been no sexual intimacy between them. Not to say that she wasn't thinking in those terms about him. Barnes met him during her days in patrol, and they formed a friendship. When he offered to replace the radio in her car, she saw him more often. Barnes grew to have feelings for him. She wanted to take things slow, go out a few times, and see where it led them. He made her feel special, like he saw her as an attractive woman, not just another one of the guys.

It ended when she discovered he was responsible for blowing up Taylor's car in the police lot. She was there when the vehicle exploded, and though she wasn't injured, she knew it was a close call. The worst was when she realized that Davis was the one responsible. She wanted to hate him. She wanted to lash out at him; she felt betrayed. When they found him murdered in one of the station's interrogation rooms, some of her felt sorry for him, as if they had missed out on something. A sorrow inside of her for what could have been but never really was.

Staring back at the picture, she couldn't help but wonder if she had missed her chance to start a family. While she was no psychiatrist, she thought the fear of missing out ate away at her. All her thoughts of starting a family, having a successful career, and retiring to be with her family could have ended instantly if the bullet had been just a little closer. If she had walked more toward Taylor's car when it blew. So many what-ifs in such a short amount of time.

She began to wonder if this was what her life had become. Many of the people she met daily were having the worst day of their lives. For others, it was the last day of their life. While on patrol, she worked on two fatal auto accidents. Those were difficult. She told herself that accidents happen, and it was a tragedy. But when the tragedies of life were intentional, it was a whole different story. It made her question if she would ever meet someone outside that never-ending cycle. Then again, if she did, could someone live with the idea that she may not come home one day?

Barnes felt alone. She hated returning to this apartment because it always seemed to bring to light the realization that she had no one to share her life with. Barnes put up a brave front at work, even showing much of the sense of humor she had before her brush with death. Yet deep inside, she knew it wasn't true. Laura feared an empty apartment would be all to show for her life. She wasn't one of those people who could or always wanted to be alone.

Angrily, she shook the thoughts out of her head. The last thing she wanted was to continue sitting on the sofa, feeling sorry for herself. Barnes got up and walked to her kitchen. She threw open her freezer, taking out a carton of chocolate ice cream. Laura grabbed a spoon from its drawer and began to eat right out of the container. The thought that she would have to run an extra mile or two on the treadmill crossed her mind, but she didn't care. She ate nearly half of the ice cream left before shoving it back into the freezer.

Walking into the bathroom, she brushed her teeth and called it a night. It would be an early start tomorrow, and she had already stayed up too late. She finished brushing her teeth and went to the bedroom to change into her sleep clothes. As Laura lay in bed, sleep proved as elusive as ever. How long she tried to sleep, she couldn't say, but it must have been at least an hour. After another thirty minutes, she returned to her living room and retrieved the photograph from the couch. She placed it in her purse and decided to give it to Erin in the morning. Rules be damned.

Returning to bed, she finally fell asleep. The dreams thankfully left her alone tonight. Despite not sleeping as many hours as she would have liked, she woke feeling rested and ready. Today, she was going to need all of her strength.