Misunderstandings | Namgi

Chapter 26

Yoongi POV

I don't bother continuing the conversation once Namjoon has answered, still not entirely certain that I'm up for all of it but having desperately wanted to understand where such an accusation could've come from. He's not pushed me on the matter either, another day and a half having flown by with everything going surprisingly smoothly.

It's still a chore getting used to everything again, getting used to having him around and how caring and gentle and patient he's been with me, but it's a good feeling all the same. We're curled up in bed this evening, sat back against the headboard with me curled into his side, our legs intertwined. I've not allowed Tae to put me back into tee shirts since Joon's come back, not ready for him to see me that way yet, something that my cousin has thankfully not pushed.

"Think you'll tell me someday about what happened to you?"

I tilt my head back to look up at him curiously, surprised that he'd ask such a question. I guess I never really told him what ever went on at home, what all I'd done before him, what all I gave up for him. It's a fair question, I suppose. I'd asked him yesterday about what made him think the way he had, unknowingly made him talk a part of his past that I don't imagine he really wanted to confront any more than I want to confront mine. I'm grateful that he isn't trying to talk about what happened though, and I wonder if maybe this is his alternative, if this is a decent alternative instead.

"Tae and I lived close to each other growing up, so he saw and knew about of a lot of what I suffered through. It's why he's as protective over me as he is, because he knows my story back to front as though it were his own life as well." I mutter out, not really knowing how I'm supposed to talk about it but knowing it's only fair for him to know too. Joonie runs his fingers through my hair gently though, a feeling that's far more comforting than he probably realizes in this moment.

"My parents were abusive. I'd been an accident that wasn't supposed to happen. I'd leave home only to go to school and get bullied there. Needless to say, those kind of things can fuck a kid up. Tae tried to be as available for me as possible, but his parents and me wouldn't let him just have no life outside of school because he wanted to spend every waking second with me when we weren't in school, so when he was busy, I'd just wander the streets in attempt to stay out of the house as much as possible.

"It's actually how I discovered music. I-uh... there were some things that happened purely by accident while I was in high school, and I found that I liked the control and release I got from what I was doing to myself. I was already hurting but at least if I was doing it to myself then I could control it, and the pain it provided was different than that of what I felt when my parents abused me or when the kids at school bullied me. I got lucky getting into this college, it was like one of two that actually accepted me thanks to my shitty grades. Tae found out what I'd been doing to myself by accident right before I left for college though, and he spent a good few years begging me to get my shit together.

"I fell down a slippery slope with what I was doing to myself. Before I met you, I didn't really care what happened to me, even if I hated what it was doing to Tae. I got so sick when I finally decided to clean myself up. I don't think Tae left my dorm for a full week because of what the decision did to me, because of how afraid I was to stop it all. I don't regret it though. Even if he's had to see me suffer without you, I know he's been happier going through that than when I refused to clean myself up."

I don't recognize the tears that are slipping down my cheeks or the way my body shakes against Joon's, feeling so mildly out of it with talking about it all. I'm grateful when I don't hear him push me to tell him what all I got into, not wanting to speak of such items due to the itch that still comes around from time to time.

I'm soon pulled into a tight hug though, and I let out a shaky breath, tiny smile on my lips at his reaction, grateful that he doesn't seem in the tiniest bit disgusted by any of it. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised by that, considering I'd had to share with him what I had planned to do the night everything fell apart, but it doesn't settle the fear any, doesn't make it any easier to speak about or believe at times.

He just holds me, letting me cry softly before he eventually shifts us so that we're laying down, and I let my eyes flutter shut at the comfort radiating off of the younger.