Misunderstandings | Namgi

Chapter 16

Yoongi POV

I don't bother trying to bring myself to look up at him once I finish explaining, not having it in me right now. I'm upset and frustrated that I had to tell him this way, not having wanted him to know anymore as it is. It's no longer his business and I'm not his concern anymore. He doesn't really need to know.

The fact that he thought I was cheating on him though... I can't believe he actually thought I would do something like that to him. He's the reason I got clean from the very beginning. He was the reason I sobered up and quit all of those habits.

"How long?" Namjoon finally speaks up, catching my attention once more. I reluctantly allow my gaze to roll back up to him, ignoring the tears still falling steadily down my cheeks. I'm surprised to find tears in his own eyes.

"How long what?" I ask quietly, not knowing exactly what his question is about.

"How long were you going to therapy for? How long had you been planning to tell me for our anniversary? Why-why did you choose to get clean? How long of habits were they that you were breaking?"

I swallow around the lump that's formed in my throat, letting my gaze fall once more. I purse my lips for a moment, trying to find the words.

"I started therapy within the first week of having met you. I knew you were someone I wanted in my life for a really long time just after the first few times of talking to you, and I knew if I wanted to have even a chance of keeping you in my life that I needed to clean myself up. I needed to get sober and clean, so I started going to therapy as soon as I could. I didn't want to keep losing people because of the monster I'd become and you were my reason to get clean and finally get the help I never wanted to admit I needed. It had been about a month or so before our anniversary that I started considering the idea to surprise you with actually telling you. I knew, or I guess thought, it was time to admit it and tell you. I was just terrified of what you were going to think of me when you found out." I answer, voice quiet as I speak.

As I finish speaking, it plunges the room back into silence. Though, it's not long before I hear him moving, hearing my door open and shut just seconds later. I squeeze my eyes shut tightly as I'm left alone once more, feeling the sobs beginning to make their way up my throat.

With the last little bit of sanity in me, I manage to pull my phone out and text Hobi and Tae before tossing the device back onto my desk.

Grabbing the lavender blanket from behind me, I pull it to my chest and clutch at it tightly, curling up as I begin sobbing my heart out. I feel like I've been left all over again, as though I'm once again not good enough. The chilling thoughts begin to quickly return, reminding me that this certainly isn't the first time that I've not been good enough for someone to stay and that I deserve to be punished for it. I try to will away the thoughts, though it doesn't work very well. I just force myself to keep the blanket fisted tightly in my hands so that I can't do any damage to myself.

I don't want to do it again. I don't want to go back down that path. I don't want to be pathetic and weak anymore. I don't wanna let Hobi and Tae down. I've been clean for three and a half years, I don't want to ruin that now. Not now after everything. Even if Joon isn't mine anymore and even if he is getting married to someone else, I don't want to break now. I don't want to ruin what I've been able to do for myself.

It's not long before my energy begins to leave my body, shaking and quiet cries still falling from my lips as I begin to feel cold. I no longer have the energy to continue clutching at my blanket, kind of just letting my arms drop a bit as I collapse in on myself a little. I'm exhausted and tired, but very much afraid of sleep right now.

There's suddenly loud knocking at my door though, and I can feel how groggy I am when I lift my head up to look at it. It's then that I recall I'd texted Tae and Hobi, and I sigh a little as I drag myself to my feet and over to the door to let them in.