The distance between us

45. Frozen White

MAY BELLE
________________

I don't know what happened, all I know is I spent the entire night pacing back and forth with anxiety and panic, because I didn't know what was happening.

The whole night I paced my room. So many times I tried to lie down and go to sleep but my mind was racing. Everything was so sudden and it terrified me, I don't know what I did wrong.

My heart felt like it had been stung, like it was frozen white in a state of panic. I didn't cope well when I didn't know what was happening.
But I knew he was also right...I had no right to worry about him...I wasn't his girlfriend and I never will be, I guess I just forgot.

I mean these past few weeks it's like we've been closer than ever, these past few weeks I've fallen so in love with him I almost forgot that this...this will never be my life.

He does not love me and I've excepted that, I have, but I can't stop the ache that follows in my heart listening to those words he said last night.

He reminded me of everything I was forgetting.
I thought I could do this, I thought, I thought I could try do the whole friends with benefits, just mess around and act like we were each others but I can't, I can't do this without wanting more, wanting him, every second of every day.

This needs to stop. I need to go home. I can't see him anymore.

I didn't really have any belongings considering I'd been using Izzy's things the past few months so I really didn't have much to pack.
I threw on a pair of stockings and dress with a black coat before leaving out through the bedroom door I'd been getting so used too.

Apart of me broke off with each step I took knowing I'll never see him again, knowing that this is the moment it comes to an end.

"Where are you going?" His voice caught me off guard as I made my way toward the front door, feeling as if the world was crumbling at my feet one last time.

"I'm going home...your right...I'm not your girlfriend and I never will be, I'm going home. I don't need your protection anymore Grey" I admitted finally, not just to him but to myself as well.

A flash of realisation flooded his eyes.

"No. No your not leaving it's not safe"

What?

"Are you serious right now? First you tell me it's not my job to worry about you, then you tell me to stop acting like your girlfriend when you clearly don't want it and now you tell me I can't leave? No....your practically pushing me out the door, I don't care what you want I want to leave and I'm leaving whether you like it or not"

Who did he think he was? He can't just have me when he wants me and then treat me like shit when he's done.

"I was here because of the danger Grey...it's been months, nothing has happened, nothing but a bunch of mistakes...I-I'm leaving"
A mistake that has cost me my whole heart.

"No May no, your not going! It's too dangerous...and this wasn't a mistake don't say that"

"It wasn't a mistake? Grey you used me to get off, you keep me here for no good reason anymore and then you toss me aside and make me feel like I'm not worthy of love and then you tell me I can't leave, that it's not a mistake? What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I'm sorry okay! I am...but don't ever say I used you to get off, I never used you May, every single fucking day we've spent together my soul has longed for you, my heart pounds when your near, it has since day one, it's only ever been you"

"But you don't love me!!!.....it's not love Grey...you'll never give me the love I need and that's all I've ever wanted from you...but you don't love remember? You don't do relationships"

I could feel my heart breaking with each word that managed to evade my lips. My eyes swelled and my cheeks stung from salt water that begged to fall.

GREY
____________

"But you don't love me!!!.....it's not love Grey...you'll never give me the love I need and that's all I've ever wanted from you...but you don't love remember? You don't do relationships"

She's so fucking wrong she has no idea...but she's right too...I can't give her the love she deserves, I can't give her what she wants, relationship, love, family all of it, I can't do it...but I can't let her go.

My heart, my mind is battling each other.

"I'm going" I could see the tears brim her eyes as she wiped one single drop of water from the rosy cheeks I've began to love so much.

My heart panicked with alarm knowing something could happen to her and I wouldn't be there, knowing that there was a possibility I could never see her again...I can't do that... but I can't do this.

Fuck I feel like my brain is exploding with every single emotion known to man kind.

"I'm sorry May but you can't leave, it's- it's not safe" I put my hand out blocking the entrance, my eyes swelling with tears for the first time in years, though I pushed them back with as much force as possible before she could ever catch a glimpse.

"How do you know it wasn't just some random guy huh!? How do you it was someone who's against you huh? It could've been anyone for gods sake!"

"I-I
I couldn't speak, I couldn't get the words out. Because she was right, I'd been hiding this for far too long but the more she knows the worst it's gonna be. I need to keep her safe, I have too.

"Grey how do you know?" Her voice trembled coming out broken with each word. Her brows furrowed as her steps closed in the space between us.

"How do you know!" She shoved me.

I couldn't take it anymore.

"Because someone is after you okay! Every day you've been here I get calls, calls about you! about people wanting to hurt you! to find you!"
I couldn't help it, the words just gushed out of me like blood on an open wound.

I instantly felt regret as I watched her eyes fill with sorrow and pain, and even fear.

"And you didn't tell me?! You liar! Your an asshole! Is that what all these fucking noises in the house have been huh? People- people are after me?" She shook her head in disbelief as tears flooded her beauty.

But I still couldn't get passed what she said.

"What noises? What noises are you talking about?" My heart raced with fear.

"The noises Grey! The doors slamming at night, the footsteps, the lights going out... god you- you lied to me, you should have told me Grey"

"I know I'm so fucking sorry. I just I-I did it to protect you, the less you knew the better, I needed you to be safe, If anything ever happen to you I'd never forgive myself" it was the truth, I needed her to know that.

"Maybe you did, maybe you did do this for the best intentions, but you...you lied to me, and I-I can't stay here with you knowing you lied to me, knowing people are after me knowing...I'll never be what you want" if heartbroken was a person...she was standing right in front of me.

In that moment of time all I wanted was to crawl to my knees and beg for her mercy,
tell her that she absolutely was everything I've ever wanted, and so much more.
That I would give the world for you,
but I can't...
the words just...won't come out.
________________