The distance between us

48. Your Favourite Colour...

MAY BELLE
__________________

As much as I wanted to push him away and tell him to fuck right off I just couldn't, so instead I went to the only place I could be alone, my apartment.

I could hear the girls call after me, though I ignored it marching upstairs and down the hall till I reached my apartment.

I charged inside not even bothering to look around and admire the place I'd missed so much.
I just went straight to my room and threw my coat over the bed before removing my doc boots and letting my hair fall down my back.

"Why are you here?" I knew he was standing in the doorway before even looking, I could just feel his presence.

He stood tall still in his long black slacks with his white long sleeved tee rolled up to his elbows, his hair was ruffled and raged as well as his eyes swollen from...I couldn't quite tell.

"I don't know, I just, I can't let you go May...i know what I did was wrong, and I should have told you, and I'm so fucking sorry that I didn't, but these past few months with you have been the best few months of my entire life, and I- I'm not ready to let you go May, I don't know if I ever will"

His words hung high in the air and it all came crashing down into my heart, screaming at me to allow him in, bursting with love and awe, but another part of me screamed at me to stay away, to not let myself believe that this could last forever with a man who clearly stated he can't do love...but could I change him? No you can't change someone who doesn't want to be changed.

I couldn't help the tears that flooded my stinging burn.

"I want too believe you I do, but how can I be with someone who doesn't believe in love Grey? What happens when you find out who wants to hurt me? What happens then? Are you gonna send me back on my way? Are you gonna keep me locked up in your castle?"

"I know what I said baby, but please just- just give me time, I can't promise anything, but I can promise that I will give you everything I can, I don't want to keep you locked away, I don't want to send you anywhere, all I want is you, I want you to be free, and I know I haven't acted as if but I'm afraid...afraid of losing you, I can't lose you..."

"So what happens? I come back with you and you let me go where I want? You let me live as if I'm not in some prison? You stop acting like I'm a kid?"

"Yes. I don't want to control you, I just want to protect you, I want- I want you, that's what it's always been about"

"How do I believe you?"
I wanted too more than anything, but I can't get passed the lies, the fear that out there somewhere is a man or even multiple who want to hurt me, and for what reason? How do I believe that one day maybe...MAYBE he'll love me?

"You don't. But baby, if you told me your favourite colour was red...I would bleed out for you till my veins were nothing but the colour of blue, and if you told me it was orange...I'd burn down the whole world for you till it all dispersed to nothing but the orange embers your soul longs to see, and if it were blue...I'd take you to every part of the ocean your heart desires, however long it takes"

In that moment of time, all I could feel was a pure yearning desire for the love he bared, for the love I bared.

How do you live without taking chances? Without risking it all? How do you know what the future holds if you don't ask it? How do you get to where you wish to be most without taking a step?
You don't.