The distance between us

46. Violet Door

MAY BELLE
_________________

I could barley process what he was saying right now. My entire mind and body was filled with anger, sadness, fear and everything else negative in this world.

This whole time I've been staying here and people have been after me? And he didn't tell me, he didn't think to let me know my life was in danger. God how could I have been so stupid to not even ask him these questions when I first got here? How could I be so naive.

I was beginning to forget just the thing I promised both him and myself I wouldn't do, but it's too late, and it's all my fault, I can't even blame him, he warned me.

"I-I need to go" all I knew was that I needed to be away from him right now, it hurt too much to look into the eyes of a man who will never feel the same way about me as I do him...

I didn't wait for a response before I opened the front door letting a gust of wind blow into my long locks before marching my way down the hall trying my best to ignore his pleads to come back.

His voice was soft yet stern, slicing yet comfortable, loving yet...not the loving I wished from him.

"Snowflake please it's not safe!"

"Don't call me that!" I snapped.

It wasn't because I was angry or sad or because I looked at him with disgust, but because I knew, if he called me that once more I'd fall to my knees and give him everything my soul had to offer in this world, and I won't allow myself to do that, at least not any more than I already have.

He stopped instantly as I pointed my finger harshly at him warning him not to come closer. He put his hands up in defence as his eyes held a hint of pain and regret, glossed with a fresh coat of glass, he wasn't crying but I could see his eyes become red and glossy.

I shook my head at him feeling absolutely defeated and heartbroken. For some reason I feared this be the last time I ever see that beautifully guileless face.

And with that I let my legs carry me into the elevators and down the 60 flights of stairs before I finally reached the gold and silver plated lobby.

I pulled my coat closer to my chest as I felt the cool of the winter breeze wrap around my soul.

I hated winter, since the lake I feared every winter that rolled around over the past 4 years.
Winter was my season of pain and I'll never forget who comes around during my winter days...my old friend, depression.

That last 4 years have been good, she only ever really pays me visits during the colder rainy days, mainly during the winter.

I felt her presence as I strolled down the busy streets of NYC, just watching as couples skated on the ice at the Rockefeller centre, as the kids sang jingle bells under the Christmas tree under time square, as friends cheered each other on as the tossed down their pints in the nearby bars.

Yet all I could think about was him...I was so in love with him I could barley see another way of living.
I was homesick for arms that didn't want to hold me.

I walked till I could hardly feel my legs from the numbing cold, and quite quickly I found myself riding the elevator up to the apartment I hadn't realised I missed so much...