"You look happy."
It's definitely a "mom" observation and I nod thoughtfully.
"I am. It's weird, though."
"Being happy?" My mother asks. She bumps my elbow with hers, "you're allowed, honey."
I needed this before the whirlwind that the next few days has in store for me. The premiere, flying out for Travis's game, him coming to New York to stay for a bit before we take the quickest mini vacation known to man. I needed my mom's perspective and her guidance because just like with everything else, her approval matters.
She's been vocal with how much she likes Travis and I'm relieved that my entire family adores him. I'm well aware I'm an adult and that shouldn't be factored into my relationship, but for me, if a person is giving off red flags to the people that know me best, something's definitely off.
Everyone likes him, really. He's a genuinely good man and what started off as light and tentative and taking the time to get to know each other has kind of unexpectedly bloomed into what this is. I'm trying not to ask too many questions or read into things or worry about the future, as it's my default, because there's no point. I'm just enjoying the now and we're both committed to making this work, even with opposing schedules.
"Not that so much." I uncurl my legs from underneath me, plopping my feet in her lap. "Kind of...embracing this. It feels good. Do you know what I mean?"
"Yeah," she smiles. "I do. Hold onto that, Taylor."
She's seen me at my absolute worst, especially over the past eight months or so and even when I went through my rebound phase and then gradually shared that Travis and I were kind of connecting, but I wasn't sure where it would lead, she was nothing but completely supportive. My dad, too. I think he was slightly more concerned, maybe, about the timing...once he saw how careful we were being, taking things as they came, he felt better. Meeting Travis, too, certainly helped; they got along instantly.
"I like going to the games," I admit. I find myself grinning like a fucking moron when I think about watching him play. "And I like that he loves football like I love music. Different on the surface, but not really, you know? They both need lots of the same things."
"I like watching you at the games. You always look like you're having the time of your life. It's what I want for you."
It all comes down to the fact that for the first time in a very long time, I'm confident with who I am. I like her. It wasn't Joe's doing, it wasn't anyone's faut that I'd made myself small. I wanted to exemplify that idea of an ideal partner and I realized it was a pattern with me... structuring my needs and wants to fit into a concise little box. Not just with the people I was with. To the outside world. For years, I had struggled with putting my own needs aside for validation.
No more. No more and now I had someone standing by me who only asked me to be myself. There was no shrinking who I was.
Joe's always the elephant in the room. My mom still hesitates to bring him up and I know it's because she doesn't want to upset me. I need to talk about it, though. It had ended months before we'd come to any kind of official conclusion and the wound heals every single day, comes closer to closing up the more I enjoy life. But it happened, it was six extremely important years of my life and to treat it like it didn't exist wasn't it, either.
"I loved him. I think a part of me always will." I decide to address it head on. "We wanted different things, though. That was it, Mom. Nothing more to it."
"All I want in life is for you to be happy. You come first. If you find someone else to add to that happiness, then that's amazing. I think you're doing this the right way, if you want my opinion."
