Always been u

I won't give up

(Nia)
All I want is to tell Chris the truth. That I like him but can't. That there's a reason to why I can't like him. But I am a bad person. I don't deserve someone like him. It's good that I'm out of his life. He'll be sad a while and then happy with someone else. Not with me. I don't deserve to find someone else. I'm just gonna stay with myself and live with twelve cats when I'm 94 years old and depressed. Sounds like a good plan. Exactly what I deserve. I see Chris friends. But Chris isn't there. I walk to them.

-Where's Chris?, I ask.

-Sick. But you have to leave him alone, he says.

-What?, I ask.

-You broke him. You did what u wanted to do so now u can just leave him alone, another guy says.

-You have no right to tell me what to do. You don't even know anything, I say and walk away.

How can I be so dumb. I get out of the school and run home. It's so long and I get tired but I'm so angry at myself. My heart is burning because of how long I've been running. I get into my house and run up to my room. Why am I like this? I am so angry at myself I can't handle it. Why would I be this way? Why am I doing this? I throw everything I can find.

When I'm done I sit on the floor together with all of my stuff. My makeup brushes are laying all over the floor together with broken products. The glass on my pictures are laying beside me. I take one.

-Auch, I say when I accidentally cut myself in the finger.

I look at the drop with blood going down my finger. I feel piece in seeing my blood. I've always done. But I've been trying to forget it. Now when I see it again. I fall back. I take a glass part and drag it over my arms. Many times. Hard. Over both arms. Until it's blood everywhere. I clean it up and tie two shirt around my arms to make the blood stop. Now I am calmer then I've ever been. I decide to clean my room before mom gets home and sees it.

After I've cleaned my whole room I am so tired. I lay down in my bed and fall asleep directly.

-Nia, mom says near my face.

-Mhm, I answer not really awake.

-You haven't been in school the whole day. Your teacher called me and said u skipped three lessons, she says.

-Mm I was to tired. Maybe I'm sick, I say.

She holds her hand over my forehead.

-How is it going with the memories?, she asks.

-Good. I've been telling u for months everything's good, I say.

-I know honey. But I can see that it's still hard for you. A mom can see that, she says.

-No im just sick, I say.

-Okay. But can you just tell me how's it really going baby?, she says.

She look right into my eyes and it feels like she can read my thoughts. I know that I've lied to her.

-I think about if kind of often, I say.

-That's what I thought, she say.

-That's not the worst thing, I say.

-What is the worst thing?, she asks.

-Im in love again. And I can't be. So I were really mean to him so that he wouldn't like me. I'm so scared mom. But he doesn't know that so he just thinks I hate him even though I don't, I say.

Mom gets in my bed and hugs me.

-If it feels right it feels right. Now you know that when it feels just a little bit wrong, you leave. You don't have to be scared anymore baby, she says.

I let out my tears and she comfort me.

-Oh is wish I've known how hard you were still having it, she says.

-You couldn't, I say.

-What's his name?, she asks after a while of tears and comfort.

-Chris, I answer.

-So you really like him?, she asks.

-Mm. It feels so weird and I wish I didn't, I say.

-I know you will figure it out. Your therapist have been telling me to not fix your problems for you. So you realise that u can do it yourself, mom says.

I nod. I just need to fix it. Mom's right. If it feels right it feels right. The problem is that he hates me now. He won't feel that I am right anymore. Mom walks out and I get my phone.

"Hey"
"Chris"
"Please answer"
"I know I've been a real asshole"
"But please answer"
"Please"
"Fine"
"I won't give up"

(Chris)
-I'm sure she didn't mean anything of what she said, mom says.

I nod but I'm not sure. She's just impossible to understand. What's going on in her brain is weird and not for me. Maybe it was good she said all that. So that a could realise she's a psycho. But at the same time I can't think that she actually feel that way about us. I saw in her eyes. I just saw it on her. That she liked it. Not a fucking act. I don't want to see Nia in school so I've been playing sick for a few days. My mom doesn't realise I'm not sick so it's fine.

-Well are you feeling better?, mom asks.

-Not really, I say.

-But how do you even know? You haven't done anything. Go out for a walk or something?, mom says.

-No I'm sick, I say and get up on my room.

It's such a weird feeling. I guess it's called being heartbroken. That's the feeling. And that feeling sucks. I hate her. But I still just want her here. I need her here with me.

I need Nia in my life.