Always been u

Like i did with jay

(Chris)
I see her alone at her locker. I walk to her.

-Hey, I say.

She doesn't look up at me. She just keeps on going looking for her books.

-Could we talk?, I ask.

She doesn't answer. I just stand there talking to a wall. And we're back again. I know. She has every right now. I'm such a bad person.

-Please, I say.

Bella comes behind me and gives me a dirty look.

-You can go, Bella says.

-Yeah your right. Sorry, I say and goes.

We've been changing roles. I doesn't feel good. What I did was so wrong. And yeah I was drunk. But it wasn't just that. It was like I didn't do it. My body did but my mind weren't even there. It sounds like I'm lying. But I don't. But I still did it I know. I'm an idiot.

(Nia)
-How are u Nia I almost haven't said anything at all today?, Bella says.

- I don't know, I answer.

I can't be here. Not anywhere. All I can think about is Chris and it's making me crazy. I see his pretty face in my thoughts. The boy that makes me so happy and who have been making me feel like myself again. But I also see I boy kissing another girl having no thought of me. And THAT is making me crazy for sure.

-He's not worth you love, Bella says and hug me.

-Mhm. Or maybe that's exactly what I deserve, I say.

-No stop. Cheating is the worst thing I can do. He did working now not u. Don't blame yourself, she say.

-Thank u, I say.

Then I see him again. Chris and his friends are coming our way. They sit down a couple meters away from us. All my thoughts are trying to kill me. I can't breath and I try to get air.

-I can't be here, I say.

-Wanna go somewhere else?, she says.

-I have to go home, I say.

-Okay. I'm coming to u after school, Bella say and hug me.

I walk out of school as fast as I can. I don't even get my stuff from my locker. I just have to get out. Get home. Get away from him. I can't do this. This is too hard. I can't have him around me knowing that he will never be mine again. I will never be his again. I will never feel his lips on mine again. I will never get that feeling of being safe when being in his arms. The tears are getting closer. I step inside of my house and mom comes and look at me.

-What are u doing home? U have class, she says.

I don't say anything. Just looks at her with my teary eyes and takes deep breathes.

-Oh what've happened honey?, she asks.

That question makes me let go of my tears directly. She's hugging me tight and I cry hard. It's like all the feelings from that night are coming back. Mom takes my head in between her hands.

-Tell me Baby, she says.

-I trusted him, I say but my voice breaks and I start crying even worse then before.

-What did he do?, she asks.

-He kissed somebody else. After telling me he would wait for me. That I was the one for him. Mom I really thought I was, I'm crying.

-I'm so sorry, she says and hugs me again.

-I've been telling you. I can't trust people. But I trusted him. Like I did with Jay, and at this point I'm screaming.

I loudly sob and I can hear how my mom is crying too.

-Its your trauma from jay baby, she cries.

-That fucking trauma is ruin my life. I haven't told u cause I didn't want to ruin yours too, I sob.

-You can't ruin my life honey. But it's ruin me a little when you say those words. I want u to be able to tell me everything, she says.

I nod. She leads me into the living room and we sit down on the couch. She's still hugging me.

-I think u should start seeing you psychologist again. Don't u think?, she asks.

I nod. I slowly take the arms on my shirt and pull them up. New scars are showing. Many. Mom gasps.

-From when?, she asks.

-Last week. I still can't help but hurting myself when I get this much feelings, I say.

After this mom and I were talking for hours about everything. It felt bad but in a good way. We spoke until the doorbell rang.

-It's Bella, I say and tries to wipe my tears.

-Have fun now. Try to not think about this anymore, mom say.

I walk toy he door and open it up. I probably look completely dead because Bella just hugs me the second she sees me. We get up on my room. To make me think about good things Bella has the great idea that we would watch my favourite movie. It's Moana. Childish? Maybe. But it always makes me happy. I watched it like 300 times on the hospital while I was getting clean.

(Chris)
I lay in my bed thinking about Nia. I can't do anything else. I just think about her and everything I've been ruining. Why do I always do that. I'm so stupid. Someone knocks on my door.

-Yea, I answer and mom opens the door.

I look at her from my bed. She comes and sit down on the bed.

-Nia Jenny been here for a whole week now. Where is she?, she's laughing.

I sigh. Moms big smile are fading directly.

-What? Have she been mean for no reason again or what?, she asks looking worried.

I shake my head.

-She haven't done anything at all. She perfect. Always, I say.

-So?, mom says after a while.

-I've been an idiot, I say.

-Really? Have u said sorry?, she asks.

-I've tried. Trust me she will never talk to me again. And that's exactly what I deserve. You don't understand how stupid I am, I say.

-Oh I think I do. Your a boy soooo.., she says with a smile.

I smile a little.

-I don't want to live without her. I need her here with me, I say.

-Then I guess u will have to show her that. Show that u know u were dumb. And make her understand ur smart now, but with 0 lies ofc. You have the most wonderful girl here Chris. Step up. Those girls don't grow on trees, she says.

I nod. That's true. She did not grow on a tree with other Nia's. She came from heaven. And there's only one of her. And she's the one I want and the only one. I've been saying that before yea. And I still did that yea. But I did still mean it. I do mean it. Actually.