Always been u

I will never get out of it

(1 month later)
(Chris)
I know. I hate myself too. How could I ever do that to her? I don't understand myself. I've been trying to show her im so sorry without trigger her more then I've already done. I've been putting post its on her locker saying sorry. She doesn't give a fuck about them. Im not stupid. I see what's happening. I know too much about her to not see. Something is happening. I think she's taking drugs again. She looks high everyday. It's all my fault. I need to do something.

-Chris?, the teacher says and wake me up from my thoughts.

-Sorry, I say.

-How are u man?, Val asks.

-I don't know. I think im sick, I say.

I call the teacher over.

-What?, she says.

-I have a bad headache. I think I need to go home, I say.

-Oh okay. Don't worry I send u something to do home if your not to tired, she says.

-Perfect thank u, I say.

I get out of the classroom and go to get my stuff from my locker. The buss isn't going in the middle of the day. I sigh. It's a long way home. I walk and walk and then I'm home. I look at my house and thinks. Then I keep on walking. I get to the house and tries to breath calm before knocking on the door.

-Hi, her mom says and looks shocked when she opens the door and sees me.

-Hi. Me and Nia aren't really friends right now. But I care about your daughter so much. And I have to tell you this, I say.

She looks worried. Then she nods.

-Come in, she says.

We sit down in the kitchen.

-I'm just gonna say it. I think Nia's taking drugs again, I say.

-God I should've known, her mom says after I while.

-It's my fault, I say.

She looks at me.

-She were just a kid when that with Jay happened. I have had a feeling she were about to fall back. I've heard u two have had some problems. But I'm sure it was t your fault, she says.

-I triggered her trauma with Jay. I was drunk and I can't handle alcohol. I know that's not a good excuse, but I'm so sorry now. I just want Nia to be happy, I say.

-Thank u so much for telling me. Nia really likes you. But maybe a pause is the best for both of you?, she says.

I nod. Maybe that is the best.

(Nia)
-See u tomorrow!, Bella says and hug me.

-Yep, I say and hug her back.

I watch her get of the bus and wave at her. Then I just sit on my phone for the rest of the bus ride. Im a little dizzy and feel a little sick. Like always right now. Im back. Back to where I thought I wouldn't ever be again. I hate it but I love it. I am back to not knowing how to get anywhere. I don't know how im supposed to get out. It's hard. So it's easier to stay. Even though I can see in the mirror how I'm ruin myself more and more for everyday. The drugs are taking away my appetite. And I sh almost every night. The drugs are taking away my sleep too. Im not even living. Im dead. Why can no one see that I'm dead? The bus stops and I get off right outside my house. I get in. Mom is standing there looking at me. I try to not look dizzy and smile.

-Hey mom, I say.

-How are u? You look tired, she says.

-Long day in school, I laugh.

-Nia tell me the truth, she says.

My heart starts racing. I look at her.

-What do you mean?, I ask.

-What do you think I mean?, she asks.

I look down on the floor. I just fall down and sit on the floor. Mom comes and sit down next to me.

-Why Nia? Why have you been starting again?, she asks.

-I need to get Jay out of my mind. Chris ain't like him. But my mind is making me think he is. I'm just so tired of feeling. He have been doing stupid things but I have too, I say.

-Don't worry about Chris now. What's with you honey?, she asks.

-I don't want to be me. I will never get out of it. I need help, I say.

-I will get you help baby, she says and hug me.