Homesick (Stefanielle)

Chapter 8| Danielle & Stefania POV

Tw: panic attack, selfharm

8 days until Stefania's birthday

Stefania POV
Stefania has been up since 6am. She was sitting in the living room, because she didn't want to wake Danielle. She feels anxious again. Her stomach hurt and her head feels blurry. The panic is building in her body. Her breathing becomes louder and louder and the tears start to form. She's having another panic attack. This time without Danielle by her side.

She tries to calm down by breathing in and out in the same rhythm, like the therapist learned her when she was younger. She squeezes her leg tightly. It hurts her, but that's her intention. By causing physical pain, she's reducing the mental pain. It's a temporary solution, but in the moment it helps.

She breaths true the panic attack and after a few minutes she's calm again. She takes a sip of water and sits there for a little more time, until she realizes she needs to be with Danielle right now.

She walks upstairs, with no intention to wake her, just to be next to her. She lays down next to Danielle, just looking at the ceiling. Their arms connect. Then she feels a hand gripping her arm. Danielle is awake, "good morning, where were you?" Danielle asked her. "Good morning,  I woke up early, so I went downstairs so I wouldn't wake you." She responds.

Danielle turns to lay on her side, so she has a better view of Stefania. Stefs legs are trembling a bit, she can't lay still, there's to much restlessness in her body.

Stef is wearing shorts and a t-shirt. But then Danielle noticed something on Stefania's bare leg. There are red and lightly blue marks and red fingernail prints in her leg. Stefania notices Danielle's stare and looks down at her leg as well, she hadn't even noticed these bruises where there.

Danielle moves closer and hugs her tight, no words spoken. She breaks the hug to look at her, at that moment Stefania realized that Danielle was crying. Stef wipes the tears away from her face. "Stef... what.. what happened?" Danielle stutters.

"When I was downstairs I've got another panic attack." She takes a break in between sentences. "Nothing worked to calm me... so I frustratedly squeezed my leg and then realized that physical pain was at that moment the only thing that would help to take my mental pain away. The last couple of times you were there with me and got me trough it, but I was on my own now..." she takes a deep breath "how can I do that when I have to go back home?" But before Danielle could even respond, she spoke again "I really didn't think my actions trough, it wasn't responsible and it was a mistake, i know it isn't a healthy way to handle everything, but in that moment it seemed okay." She says with a worried look on her face.

What if Danielle gets angry or thinks I'm  crazy?

"Sweetheart, first of all, you can always wake me up when something happens, I feel worse when I know I was peacefully asleep while you where suffering, so please, next time, wake me so I could be there for you. Second, let's not worry about you moving out right now, let's take it one thing at a time, you need to take time to process your emotions and heal gradually, healing takes time, don't force yourself into something your not ready for yet. And last, I'm here for you, I love you, don't you ever feel ashamed for things that you're feeling and how you react to all these feelings. I'll never judge you and you'll always be safe with me." Danielle tells her.

"Thank you so much, I love you too." Stefania hugs her and wipes away her own tears now. 'Danielle is for real the sweetest person on this planet. I couldn't wish anything more in live then her' she thinks to herself.

Danielle gets up out of bed, walks towards the bathroom, and comes back with the first aid kid and a wipe to clean the red blood marks on Stef's legs. She softly touches the little nail prints with the wipe and then puts a bandaid over the open ones. Everything very carefully, so she wouldn't hurt her.