Falling [ 𝓚.𝓥 ]

"𝐃𝐚𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠"

Even from upstairs in my room, if I listened closely enough, I could hear my mother happily greeting my brothers. I wasn't sure who arrived first, but every thought that rushed through my head left a sick feeling in me. At that point, I was unsure of what to do. It felt as though I was losing balance, so I helplessly gripped onto the frame of my bed, silently begging to not faint.
As time went by, the murmurs and chatter eventually grew louder, and more audible. Was I to go greet my family now, or shall I wait? I didn't know. I kept playing over everything Alexander had told me in my head, the marriage wouldn't last long and soon enough, I could marry for love, go to university and just do whatever I wanted. I craved to take my mind off of everything, and so I turned to examine my room, it was nothing compared to my bedroom back in the East End of London, but some how it held greater memories in such little time. The pearl white walls was a shade my mother handpicked on her own, convincing me that it complimented my personality. My walls were covered with art from the Renaissance era, portraits, sketches and beautiful photography. Chandeliers and candles illuminated my room, which were only ever lit when I would hide under my covers and found myself drowned in Dostoevsky. Suddenly, I was faced with the harsh reality after being lost in my thoughts. I took the time to sit down and really think. Growing up, whether it had been in London or Madrid, I always thought I'd perhaps fall madly in love with a literature professor, a man who I could share my thoughts with on Crime and Punishment, or the controversy on The Picture Of Dorian Gray. Or perhaps I could've travelled to the other side of the world, spending my time dancing and laughing with a nature photographer. Or maybe, just maybe, I didn't have to marry. I could go to univeristy and get a degree in History and Politics, spending my nights smoking a cigar while carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders and thinking about eternal suffering. But then, on my 18th birthday, those dreams were to be put to an end.
Not long after, someone was knocking on my bedroom door. I stood up from my bed before muttering a small "enter" and just as I had expected, it was Claudia who hastily rushed in.
"Marina, everyone's downstairs. Be good" she ordered, with a little smile.
She scanned my choice of wardrobe, smiled and brushed my cheek with the back of her hand.
"You'll be okay, I know you're stronger than the rest of those men downstairs. You're Marina Astor for Christ's sake!"
Claudia grinned and gave me a warm smile, she took a final look at me before returning downstairs with a load of boxes in arm. I wasn't sure if Claudia knew it, but I was so grateful for her. She spent years wiping away my years when no one else would, and she was my motherly figure when mother wasn't always available. I knew little about Claudia- she was infertile and so she spent her time taking care of children. My heart would always hold a soft spot for Claudia.
I had finally left my room, and began to walk slowly, attempting to keep my balance. I knew I was a strong woman, I knew I was powerful, but even the bravest have their fears. I continued to walk down the stairs, locking eyes with a few of the butlers and maids, all giving me a small smile. As I got closer to the dining hall, my father's unmistakable voice could be heard from rooms away, it was no doubt that he was either boasting about something, or complaining about something. As I walked closer, and closer, everything became more audible. The sound of champagne being poured into glasses, the feeling of my mother's silent judgement came into light, and Finn's loud laugh was easy to recognise. With my hands behind my back, I awkwardly stepped into the Grand Hall after allowing the butlers to open the doors for me, all eyes immediately turned to me. It felt like bleeding in a sea of sharks. I refused to make eye contact with anyone, so instead I chose to give my attention to the multiple family portraits and Renaissance art framed on the walls. I felt myself feeling sick, but I still refused to meet anyone's eye.
"Darling", I heard my father greet.