A Cruel Summer

Chapter 6

"Do you want kids, Tay?" Karlie asks, running her fingers through the hair of the girl lying against her chest.

It's a rainy Saturday afternoon in New York. With no work commitments and no plans with friends, the girls have so far spent the day in bed, tangled in the sheets, falling in and out of sleep, in between bouts of intimacy.

"Mm," Taylor responds lazily, "I'm not sure. I used to want them," her words cut off by a yawn, "but I don't think I would now."

"Oh yeah?" Karlie asks placing a gentle kiss on the other girl's head, "How come?"

Taylor shrugs her shoulders and pulls the blanket up closer, tucking it under her chin, "I don't think it would be fair, you know? Any kid I brought into this world would automatically become a tourist attraction. Constantly followed, people sneaking pictures, stalkers. I asked for this life, but a baby didn't."

"Hm," Karlie mumbles against Taylor's hair, "Yeah, I guess that's fair."

"Do you want kids?"

Taylor feels the vibration of Karlie's hum against her head, "Oh yeah. More than anything."

"Oh," Taylor says softly, "does Josh?"

When Karlie and Taylor met and began falling in love, Karlie had already been dating Josh for two years. It was never something Karlie hid from Taylor, but it certainly did not make their relationship any easier. Taylor's jealousy over him lead to more fights than she can count. Karlie always told her that she would break up with Josh in a heartbeat if it meant that they could really be together, publicly, with no hiding. And Taylor never agreed to it. She couldn't. She was utterly convinced that she would lose the career she worked so hard for if anyone found out she was dating a woman. So, Karlie continued dating both Josh and Taylor, though Josh didn't quite know that, and Taylor learned to accept it. Sharing Karlie was far better than no Karlie. Compartmentalization quickly became one of her strongest skills.

Karlie sighs, "I don't know. Never really asked him, I think so. Let's not talk about Josh, okay?"

"He's your boyfriend, Kar, we should talk about him," Taylor sighs, "I can't just ignore his existence forever."

"And you're my girlfriend," Karlie responds simply, placing three quick kisses against the girl's hair.

"Your secret girlfriend," Taylor puffs out in annoyance.

Karlie sighs and cuddles the girl in closer, "Come on, Tay. Don't do that. I don't want to fight. We made that decision together, remember?"

"What if I don't like that decision anymore?"

"What do you mean, babe?" Karlie asks, trying to keep her tone neutral.

Taylor groans and removes herself from the girl's chest, sitting up so she can look at her, "what if, I don't know, I don't want to be Taylor Swift anymore," she says as Karlie stares back at her, confused, "I could retire now and be set for the rest of my life. Stop putting out new music, stop touring, and people would eventually stop caring about me. Maybe I could ghostwrite for other artists instead, I don't know. We could have a normal life together, Kar. We could be together for real. You could break up with Josh. I could follow you around and support your career for once. We can get married, have kids together if I'm not Taylor Swift anymore," Taylor pauses, "doesn't that sound nice?"

"Babe," Karlie sighs, "as nice as that does sound, you love being Taylor Swift. I would never ask you to do something like that."

"But I can never give you the life that you want as Taylor Swift."

Karlie quietly responds, "I know."

"Josh can."

Even quieter, "I know."

Both girls are quiet, leaning against the headboard of the bed.

"Do you love Josh the same way you love me? Like, does it feel the same with both of us?" Taylor asks. She never could quite grasp the concept of loving two people at the same time. When Taylor was in love with someone, she was all-in on that person and no one else in the world would be able to shake it.

"I do love Josh. But it's – yeah, it feels different than this," Karlie says as she motions between them.

"How?"

"With Josh it's – it's, I don't know, convenient? God, that sounds so bad. But it feels safe. Easy. I know what to expect every time I'm with him. Like – with Josh, we would never be doing this right now. We wouldn't be lying in bed all day, falling asleep, waking up, having sex, repeat. With no plans to get up and be productive anytime soon. With him, it feels more, like, structured, I guess? Routine. I mean, he goes to sleep at 9 pm, on the dot, every single night, Tay," she says with a laugh, "But I know he cares about me, wants the best for me. I care about him too, obviously. I know what I'm in for with Josh. It's not the same as it is with you. It's just, I don't know, comfy. Safe," she ends with a sigh.

"I see," Taylor quietly responds, "and with me?"

"And with you, Miss Taylor Swift," Karlie smiles softly, leaning in to peck her lips, "I never know what I'm going to get. It's exciting. Spontaneous. I never know if I'm coming over to an all-night fuckfest, or a romantic candlelit dinner, or a new fucking cat," she laughs. "Even last week, when you decided you were bored when we were playing Scrabble, and just jetted us off within the hour to the coast of Maine for the weekend, without a second thought. You keep me on my toes constantly and I love it. You're always surprising me. No matter how well I think I know you, I still somehow am learning something new every single day," she says as she points to a blanket on the chair in the corner of the room, "like look at that, Taylor. When the fuck did you learn to crochet?" she laughs. "It sounds dumb, but I even love it when we fight, babe, because you lose all filters and tell me exactly what you're thinking. Plus, you know, the make-up sex," she smirks while Taylor rolls her eyes. "The truth is Tay, I've never felt like this with anyone. I miss you the second you leave a room. I can't wait to get home at the end of the day to hear about what kind of nonsense you got into, or new hobby you mastered within an hour, or award-winning song you finished writing. You're something special, Taylor Swift. One-of-a-kind. There are a million Joshes in this world, but no one else like you in the universe, baby. So, yeah. It's different," she finishes, matter-of-factly.

Taylor is silent for a few moments, taking in everything Karlie had just told her, "Do you think we'll ever be able to figure it out? Do it the right way? No hiding, no Josh, just us. Together, for real?"

Karlie sighs and pulls the girl into her chest, returning to their previous position, and placing a kiss in her hair, "I hope so, Tay. I really do."