CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
Same
One time, someone asked me to say, what is my biggest fear?
I thought about anything, anything that scares the hell out of me. Then, I remembered the thing that happened to my father and brother before. Being hospitalized for how many days, seeing them in the hospital bed, suffering and in pain.
It scares me because we were not financially stable before. How can I handle the bills? Saan kami kukuha ng pera pambayad? But you know what scared me more? It is the thought that what if they didn't survive it? What if they didn't make it? Sa isipin pa lang iyon, parang ayaw ko na, hindi ko yata kaya.
And that answered the question, my biggest fear is when someone leaves me because I don't want the feeling of being alone. I don't want the thought that they're really gone in my life. I don't want that. . . I don't want that to happen.
Kaya naisip ko, kaya ko siguro naisipang ako na lang ang humiwalay kay Henrick kasi sa panahong iyon, alam kong dun din naman ang punta nun. At that time, I don't want to hear those words from him so I decided, it's better if I do it on my own. Akala ko kasi bawas sakit pero wala din pala, masakit pa rin pala.
And now, feeling that pain again, I can't help but to shed tears and let my heart clenched in pain because I realized, I don't have any other chance to see Tito again. Wala na kasi, patay na siya.
"It was painful," I heard him whispered while chuckling even though the pain is visible on his voice, "Especially to mom, she got depressed by it."
I can't imagine how Tita would feel at that time. Kung siguro nandito ako, ganun din ang mararamdaman ko. Sa balita pa lang na wala na ang taong mahal mo, masakit na paano pa kaya kung makita mo talaga siya na nakahiga sa kama at wala nang buhay?
It's more painful because I saw how they loved each other, how they cared for each other and knowing that the person you treasure so much is now totally gone, you realized that, oh, I can't be with him anymore. How about me? That probably would be Tita's question at that time. That hurts because no one can answer her.
I silently sobbed. I'm in the middle of the cold night, the wind is brushing through my face giving me chills, the sky is full of shining stars and the moon is glowing beautifully. Kung hindi lang siguro kami nasa sementeryo ngayon, baka kanina ko pa mas na-appreciate ang ganda ng panahon.
Tahimik kaming nakaupo sa damuhan, parehong nakatitig sa lapida ng umao niyang ama. Hindi ko alam na pinaghandaan niya pala 'to kasi may dala na siyang bulaklak at kandela. We already lightened up the candle. Kung sa ibang sementeryo matatakot ako, dito, parang kahit buong magdamag ayos lang.
I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to tell Tito how much I miss him. Bihira lang kaming magkita noon dahil busy siya sa trabaho pero kapag may pagkakataon, walang humpay ang kwentuhan namin.
It is when I realized, we only had a small time but it was a great time.
From my peripheral vision, I saw Henrick caressed his father's gravestone. A small smile slowly forms on his lips.
"Did you know, when I was young, I admired the kind of relationship they had. Kita ko 'yong pagmamahal, pag-aalaga at pagpapahalaga nila sa isa't-isa. It was amazing that I even prayed to God to give me a woman who's amazing like my mother so we could work our relationship just like my parents," he said in a low voice, slowly glancing at me, "And He gave me you."
He chuckled when I looked away.
"But the problem was really on us, because just like dad, he didn't tell anyone about his sickness."
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