Lost love

chapter 2

i groaned at my alarm going off at six in the morning which i set  it thirty minutes earlier today to make sure i have enough time to fully cover up my  bruises.

like i suspected i woke up and wanted to die ( a daily occurrence at this point)

this was going to be a long day seeming i can hardly move. He usually doesn't go this hard tho something or someone must of pissed him off last night once again taking his anger out on me.

not realizing i was playing with my necklace something i usually do when i am nervous i dragged myself out of bed to take a shower.

Cole is never usually here in the morning so i am finally at peace letting the boiling hot water take my skin whole .

coming out the shower sensing this day will end up going sideways i quickly dry swallow my anxiety pills already seeming on edge and the day has not even begun 

great - not the sarcasm 

i hate i have to take stupid pills to feel somewhat normal as much as i hate taking my anxiety pills

did i mention i have a panic disorder as well the whole package 

i would love to blame my stepdad for all my problems but i cant i have always had social anxiety normal anxiety even though they are basically the same things to me  and a panic disorder since i was young so its nothing new to me it just has got worse over the years 

buts it fine i can handle it on my own like always 

i look at the boxes of pills one for anxiety one for depression the only reason cole hasn't stopped my subscriptions is because they are on my medical record and would look suspicious to my social worker if i didn't have them and they would chuck me into the system and as much as i hate taking them they  help even if i try to only take them when my anxiety gets really bad  i actually dont know why he hasn't tried to throw me out yet he must actually enjoy me being his punching  bag

yay me note the sarcasm

dont get me wrong i could full well defend myself but i cant explain it he makes me feel so paralyzed and helpless like i can imagine giving him a knock to the head but my body doesn't follow my command 

the day i turn 18 i swear to whoever is up there i will put a bullet in is skull

gosh i hate him so much he is the exact reason i got put on antidepressants and given  a therapist but of course i could never tell my social worker that the only reason it tried to - never mind i wouldn't particularly like to remember those memories right now or ever 

all you need to know is they make me feel like shit i only take them when i just want to feel numb yes i know cliche  but sometimes i just cant take it anymore 

but that is my last resort 

alcohol and drugs make feel the same way so i prefer those and they are more fun anyway ( yes i know very mature of me ) even though i am technically i underage but my friend from school hooks them up for me thinking i just  want to get drunk and high

if only he knew

no one knows about my panic disorder and daddy issues expect for my best friend aliyah and that will stay that way for the foreseeable future

snapping back from my thoughts i start getting ready for school not having that much clothes but the clothes i do have a very stylish if i do say so myself thanks to the job i have  today  i decided on a over sized top and baggy jeans hoping not to feel to much pain from my bruises i was so thankful it was own clothes  day today i would not survive with my box like blazer