Born For War

What Could Have Been

{Sorry I had a cold all week and didn't want to mess up continuity with my cold brain I could not think straight so yeah just sort of a chapter of Deku spiralling}

Deku sighed softly as he ran a hand through Ochaco's hair and hummed to himself. Her head was in his lap, they were in a hotel room, and Deku was thinking about the future. Not just the possibility of a baby, but also just general stuff about his life, and his relationship with Ochaco. He wondered if Ochaco felt safe with him, she didn't seem to, which was heartbreaking. All the things she had said in past fights were ringing in his head. That he wasn't hers, he belonged to Japan, that he didn't know her. That he loved a woman who didn't exist, a woman who never had. He wondered if it was still true to her, because the only way her hiding something as big as a pregnancy from him for three months was if she still believed he was some robot who went off to battle, some cold-unfeeling machine who just saw her as a sex trophy. He sighed resting his head against the headboard of their bed.

    "What are you thinking about?" Ochaco murmured, looking up at him with a frown.

    "You were going to name him Kazuku?" he murmured, Ochaco looked sad, nodding her head once, Deku frowned

    "I wish he was here." He sighed, he would have been a toddler, Deku could have been coming home to a toddler, hugging his knees, the thought brought tears to his eyes. He hadn't let himself think about it enough to want it, but now he did. He wanted to save his marriage, he wanted to have little ones to come home to. He just wasn't sure how to get Ochaco to open up to him again. He thought he had known her so well, no, he had.He had known her well, there was no way she had been faking it since high school.. Right?

    "When did we grow apart?" he sighed sadly

    "What do you mean?"
    "I feel like I don't know you anymore Kirbs.. When did it happen?"

    "I-I don't know. Deku. It was gradual, you went off to war again and again, I swallowed my emotions, again and again, because it was you. That had always been part of the deal..I don't know why I ever thought it would go away. I clung more and more to stability and less and less to you."

    "I'm stable."

    "How?"

    "You're my rock, Ochaco, I always assumed I was yours." he whimpered

    "I'm sorry." she murmured

    "I always come home!"

    "Until one day, you don't." Ochaco whimpered

    Deku sighed, shaking his head and hugging himself, "Why did you ask for a baby then?"

    Ochaco looked at her toes, "Because I want one." She murmured, "and I think you would be a good dad."

    "As long as I keep coming home." Deku sighed, looking at her and getting out of bed. He was devastated. He couldn't promise Ochaco he would always come home, and, he supposed, he of all people should know why that meant he shouldn't have a kid, but the thought of one made him so happy. He was being irresponsible. He thought about Kota, how badly it had hurt him when his parents died, how hard it had been for him to understand their sacrifice, he thought about his own childhood, growing up without a dad, how hard it was for his mom. He had been so caught in the euphoria of the afterglow, he hadn't thought about how selfish he was being. He looked at her sadly, but he really did want it. The day he spent researching, he had gotten so excited, and this day, thinking about what could have been, Deku was having a hard time convincing himself that he couldn't be a dad, but he couldn't say for sure he could either. He thought about Nana Shimura, and his blood ran cold. Dabi, Shigaraki, Kota, all different tragic stories, and all what happens when pro heroes have children or grandchildren. He heard Ochaco talking, but he didn't hear what she was saying, he was sad. He wanted to be her husband, but really she was just another victim of his, wasn't she? Covered in bruises and scars, he had never laid a hand on her, but how many villains had targeted her because she was his wife? How many scars did she have, because someone wanted to hurt him. How many scars did she have because of him? What would happen to any child of his? He couldn't protect Ochaco, a pro hero, how could he protect something as vulnerable as a child? But for some reason, he wanted so desperately to try.