ᴘᴇʀꜱᴏɴᴀʟ ᴘᴏᴇᴛʀʏ ᴄᴏʟʟᴇᴄᴛɪᴏɴ :)

ʀᴇᴜɴɪᴏɴ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴛᴇᴀʀꜱ.

TW: Mentions of death and self harm.

I had honestly forgot how it felt to cry before this.
Where did it all go wrong? I swear it was only yesterday that I was in pure bliss.

But the panic that overtook in reaction to your passive aggressive words
Was like a push towards my own swan dive: the famous suicide committed by the most beautiful birds.

I was stupid to be so desperate to trust and forgive you,
Because even though I knew there was no chance, I still chose to believe in change: a pathetic view.

My own emotional state is caused by my own incompetence and denseness,
The failure to reach a stable maturity created nothing more than unnecessary tenseness.

These stupid tears than stain my cheeks,
They are a reminder that I will remember this moment for longer than just a few weeks.

Sure, the shouting was caused by something that was trivial,
But it was enough to withhold the personality I tried to show all the time: the Avery that was more convivial.

My mind panicked and wandered to the matters that I hate the most, like death,
But even thinking about that only worsened the ragged breathing that was my own breath.

The other plan was to possibly put blade to skin once more,
But I promised myself I wouldn't do it anymore.

With the lack of attachment or connection to what self harm means,
Achieving the salvation I am desperate for can only be achieved in the deepest of dreams.

"I hate this, I hate them, and most of all, I hate myself,"
But should this amount of disgust even be expressed towards one's oneself?

"It's not my fault, there was nothing I could do,"
At least you're now aware that not every bad circumstance is because of you.

I'm not sure how else to phrase it, but I hate my own parents.
The happiness I felt moments before now feels like it has been wasted.
I'm no longer free to be my own person, continuously restrained by your expectations,
The only thought I'm allowed to accept is that 'I can always do better.'
Please, sweet poem, help me cure my childish mind,
And let me rest just this once without the fear of disappointing anyone for the hundredth time.

(The weekend was a wild ride lmao shishsj ! I wanted to post something like this on the day it had happened, but I didn't know how to phrase it, which is why the structure is still dodgy now. I'm trying to work on my poetry a bit more either so that's that...)

(+DONT mention how swan dive is all about the entire mating thing, since I am aware that it doesn't necessarily fit. Just please make it work in your heads, tysm.)

(++ My poems ARE getting longer, unless I'm just going insane, wtf...)