ᴘᴇʀꜱᴏɴᴀʟ ᴘᴏᴇᴛʀʏ ᴄᴏʟʟᴇᴄᴛɪᴏɴ :)

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TW: mentions of suicide

I want to fucking kill myself.

Not because I am suicidal or in desperate need of help,
But because I hate myself and I feel like that thought of suicide is the only comfort I'm worthy of receiving.

I want to cry myself to sleep.

Not because I have a lot of things to cry over,
But because I have this continued feeling of frustration and anger towards myself and even the thought of letting that out in the form of tears is like heaven to me.

I want to do many things,
But my head is too clouded to acknowledge anything else than the self-destructive methods;
Things that will only hurt me rather than grant me the relief I seek.

I may not be an angel or a saint,
But there are days in which I question whether whatever I experienced was truly ever what I deserved.

Being unable to cradle you in my arms, 
Being unable to speak to you like before,
Being unable to laugh with you, hang out with you, joke with you,
Being unable to express myself in other means than attention-seeking,
Being unable to do anything else but dwell in my little boat of misery...
I am so fucking alone it hurts.

Maybe one day I will be able to find something, someone, anything, everything,
And maybe that one day I will be able to receive the comfort my selfish heart desires from the things and the people I will love,
And maybe I will be able to understand what it means to be happy.

For now, my arrogance and self-obsession (I'm sorry) does not allow me to do anything else than to absorb myself in consolation that is unreal and scripted,
Like every other aspect of my pathetic head,
Swirling and sparking new fictional realities in a desperate attempt to escape from the real one.

"I want to fucking kill myself and I want to cry myself to sleep."
But I think what I truly need is just a few words and a simple smile.